Are you ready to rewrite your love story?
My signature course, Real Love Revolution 2021 starts TOMORROW!!! If you’ve been thinking about it, it’s not too late to join us and spend the next 3 months learning how to uplevel the love in your life (whether you’re single or partnered). I can’t wait to guide this year’s group of incredible women!
Today I’m continuing to talk about epic, REAL love, and answering a Q from someone in our crew, seeking to be partnered:
“Why am I still single?”
If you’re wondering the same thing, this episode is for you. I’m diving into how ambivalence can lurk under the surface of our conscious minds and block real love connections plus giving you 4 steps you can take to get the heck out of your own way!
So what do I mean by ambivalence? The short answer is there’s a part of you that wants a relationship and true love partnership….and there’s a part of you that doesn’t.
Because it’s so important to me to co-create my courses and content with my audience (‘cause I only want to teach what you want to learn), we surveyed about 1,500 single women in our crew recently about why they thought they were still single.
67% reported back they were single because they disliked online dating.
We heard from women who told us they don’t want to get hurt again. Many said they felt like they were bad at love. Others told us they felt like all the good ones were already taken.
Can you relate to any of these reasons for being single?
As a psychotherapist and love expert for more than 2 decades, I believe there’s more underneath the surface of these answers. In my experience, I’ve worked with many women who, despite being incredibly successful, smart, high-achievers, still can’t seem to get this love thing figured out. What I found again and again (and yes, experienced personally when I was a love disaster in my 20s), is there are sneaky ways ambivalence can sabotage an earnest search for love.
Here’s an example: you want a relationship, but, deep down, you think a relationship will limit your freedom or compromise your identity.
See what I mean? There could be all kinds of preconceived notions about what it means to be in a relationship percolating in the unconscious.
Our job is to do the internal work and uncover any hidden limiting beliefs so we can rewrite a love story of our own, conscious choosing.
With that in mind, here are 4 Steps to STOP Ambivalence from sabotaging your love life!
- Uncover Your Downloaded Love Blueprint
I call the set of behaviors, beliefs, and narratives you experienced growing up your “downloaded blueprint”. Our family of origin, community, and culture can impact the ways we experience love and what we perceive love to be.
The good news is, YOU have the power to change your love blueprint! You learned it and that means that once you can raise your awareness around it, you can UN-learn it.
2. Check Your Limiting Beliefs
Next, you’ll check your limiting beliefs at the door. Here are some examples of things you might not know you’ve been thinking:
> Being in a relationship means giving up things.
> Being in a relationship means giving up your identity.
> It could limit your career.
> I’m worried I’ll be trapped and miserable.
> What if I compromise myself too much?
> If I have to give up my freedom, is love really worth it?
> All partners eventually cheat.
> It just seems like too much work.
Do any of these resonate with you? Be honest and have compassion for yourself. So much of this has to do with your downloaded love blueprint, and raising your awareness is the first step to disrupting your current patterns.
Inside this week’s cheat sheet, I’m giving you some more questions to help you get clarity around your limiting beliefs in regards to love, relationships, and dating, so be sure to get that right here.
3. Identify Your Secondary Gain
Secondary gain is the hidden “benefit” (or benefits) you get from staying stuck in your current circumstances. In this case, it’s what you’re getting out of staying single. While it might seem counterintuitive, more often than not, secondary gain plays a role in keeping us stuck when it comes to love.
4. Is Perfectionism Getting in the Way?
If you’ve been dating and it’s not working or if you’ve given up on dating altogether, I really want you to take a closer look at if you have perfectionist tendencies.
I’ve found when women are competent and successful in just about all the other areas of their lives; not being masterful when it comes to love can be painful.
You’ve got to see the distinction between striving for excellence in our life and perfectionism. Perfectionism is like a prison keeping your life small…because you know what’s messy? Love. But it’s also beautiful and extraordinary and delicious and amazing. If love is what you desire, you’ve got to be at peace with the fact that you’re not going to be perfect at it. And that’s OK.
We’ve got to be willing to let go of perfectionism and get our hands dirty to learn what we need to learn about ourselves in order to get better at being in relationships.
Be kind to yourself, because the reality is most of us were not taught how to have healthy relationships, how to be fully self-expressed, or how to tell the truth. We learn these relationship dances and then we repeat them. But you don’t have to. You always, always have a choice.
I hope this episode made you think, and if you’re ready to make 2021 your year of epic love, I invite you to join us inside the Real Love Revolution! We’re getting started tomorrow! It would be my honor to guide you through my 5 pillars of self-mastery so you can clear away anything blocking you from REAL, lasting, vibrant love.
I hope you have an amazing week filled with love and as always, take care of you.