Today I’m talking about female friendships and why I believe they’re so important.

We have lots of social science about the benefits of having good friends. But I hear from a lot of you that you’re not sure how to find or make friends in this season of life. That is what we will be exploring in this episode.

I just got back from Costa Rica with girlfriends that I’ve known since I was four. We’re all turning 62 this year, which means we’ve been friends longer than most marriages last. But I also have friends I’ve made in adulthood who are just as important to me, and I’m absolutely committed to them.

As we age and grow, friendships change. I feel grateful that I’ve had the same friends, but I’ve also worked to have them. And there are other friendships I’ve outgrown. That happens too.

I don’t think even a great marriage replaces what I get from my girlfriends. What I get from them is very different than what I get from Vic. Having close girlfriends makes my marriage healthier because I don’t look to Vic to fulfill all these needs in my heart. With female friends, there’s a different type of emotional support we give each other.

Vic knew he was going to have to be a good sharer. I said straight up at the beginning of our relationship, “I love a lot of people. If you’re a possessive type of person, we will not be a good fit.” He was not and has been sharing me since 1997, lol!

If you don’t have close friends, I want you to know you can. It’s a skill like anything else.

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

The Benefits of Close Friends

There are emotional effects, and physical ones, too. When you feel understood, when you feel connected, it matters. What did the Harvard study tell us? The quality of your relationships is the foremost predictor of a healthy, happy life. That’s an 85-year longitudinal study. Science backs what I’m saying.

Has the Current Climate Impacted Your Friendships?

I know people who lost friendships of 30 years, 25 years, 15 years because of the current political climate. Everything from the pandemic on has broken up friendships and families.

If you’re someone who’s reevaluated who you want to align yourself with, I understand. You have to decide: is this a political thing or is this a moral thing? There are some people I’ll never have that conversation with. With extended family where we have different politics, I say we’ll agree to disagree. If someone keeps pushing, I’ll say, “I’m not talking about this with you, Uncle Bob.”

For many people, it’s become more than political. It’s become moral. Only you know what the right answer is for you.

Do You Need to Do an Inventory?

Sometimes we simply outgrow friendships. And that is Ok.

Ask yourself: when the phone rings and it’s this person, what happens inside? Am I excited? Is it obligatory? And how do I feel after I’ve interacted with this person? Am I energized or am I drained?

Give yourself permission to grow and change. If you decide to stay in a friendship because of the history, make it a conscious choice and have appropriate boundaries in place.

Finding New Friends as an Adult

Adult friendships don’t just automatically happen. They require intention, time, and effort. But the good news is, knowing yourself helps you find the right people. And if you have a friend who’s a natural connector, let them help you expand your circle.

How you like to live brings you to people who live similarly to you. My friends & I joke about loving a blue plate special. The likelihood of my being friends with people who regularly want to meet for a 9pm dinner is zero because I like to eat at 6! 

Where do you feel most like yourself? That could be a good place to start. Before the pandemic, I met people at the gym because we all loved to take classes together. One member of my Terri Cole Membership went to a meetup dinner for single women seeking friendship and stayed in touch with two of the 18 in attendance. That’s a good return for one dinner.

Here are some places to find your people:

• Meetup.com for local groups like book clubs, running clubs, or hiking groups
• Facebook and Reddit for community groups in your area
• Faith or spiritual communities, if that’s important to you
• Adult community classes for something you’ve always wanted to learn
• Volunteering for a cause you care about
• Local events listed in free community newspapers or discussed on NPR
• A bring a friend to dinner party where everyone invites a pal

A Soft Place to Land

Especially in a time of unrest, having friends becomes a soft place to land in a hard world. Friends will listen to the same crap over and over, really trying to help you figure it out.

Who gets to be in the VIP section of your life must be your choice. If you don’t make that choice mindfully, lots of people will just walk in and plop themselves down. That section is for the people who fill up your bucket the way you do theirs.

Another great place to meet like-minded, like-hearted pals is in TCM Weekly! It is my sacred membership where we meet every single week. You may grab the guide with all the inventory questions at terricole.com/guide.

Terri Cole Answers Your FAQs From The Week’s Blog

How do I make friends as an adult? It requires intention, time, and effort. Start by knowing yourself. Where do you feel most like yourself? That’s a good place to meet people. Try Meetup.com, local Facebook or Reddit groups, community classes, volunteering, or hosting a bring a friend dinner party. If you have a friend who’s a natural connector, let them help you expand your circle.

How do I know if I’ve outgrown a friendship? Ask yourself two questions. When the phone rings and it’s this person, what happens inside? Am I excited, or is it obligatory? And how do I feel after I’ve interacted with them? Am I energized or drained? If you’ve grown but your friend hasn’t, you may not have anything in common anymore. It’s okay to give yourself permission to move on.

What if politics has ruined my friendships? You have to decide: is this a political thing or is this a moral thing? For many people, it’s become more than political. Only you know what the right answer is for you. If you want to protect the relationship, you can say, “We’ll agree to disagree, and I’m not having this conversation.” If they keep pushing, you can end the conversation.

Can close friendships really improve my health? Yes. The Harvard Study of Adult Development, an 85-year longitudinal study, found that the quality of your relationships is the leading predictor of a healthy, happy life. When you feel understood and connected, it affects you emotionally and physically.