Are you raising a codependent? Codependency is rampant in our society and one
of the reasons is because it can be handed down from generation to generation
unknowingly.
So what are the warning signs and red flags that you should pay attention to
and more importantly… how can you break the cycle?
If you’re a parent healing from codependency (go, YOU!), I’m going to guess
that the last thing you want to do is pass on any codependent tendencies to
your kids.
In this week’s episode, I’m diving into what codependency in a parent/child
relationship looks like in practice so you can raise your awareness around
where you might be reinforcing dysfunctional patterns PLUS giving you some
simple shifts you can make that can make all the difference!
(#breakthecycle)
Prefer just the audio?
Click
here
to listen to the episode.
Parenting is preparing kids to have their own grand adventure in life…not
expecting them to be our grand adventure.
A codependent parent has an unhealthy attachment to their child. There can be
an expectation of undying devotion and obligation that falls outside of a
healthy parent/child relationship.
Sometimes, this dynamic can play out because the parent is somehow trying to
make up for what they didn’t get in their own childhood. It’s so important to
understand that adult codependency is rooted in the experiences we had growing
up.
Codependency is a learned survival strategy. If you grew up in a chaotic
family system, you might have adapted your behavior to ensure that as a child,
you stayed emotionally safe. In order to stay safe, you learned that it was
important to pay attention to the feeling states and needs of those around you
and to put others first, always. You might have become hypervigilant about
avoiding confrontation or conflict. While these behaviors might have served
you to stay safe as a child, in adulthood, it can become maladaptive.
Raising a child to never rock the boat or to sweep things under the rug means
never teaching them the skills they will need to have the hard conversations
or to speak their authentic truth.
Quick love note:
I want you to give yourself permission to be compassionate with yourself.
Commit to approaching this information with an open heart and mind. You don’t
need to beat yourself up or wallow in guilt if you recognize some of your own
behaviors in the signs of codependency. Be kind to you and know that you have
the power to make a change.
So let’s move into some of the telltale signs of a codependent parent/child
dynamic:
> Codependent parents can be super controlling or have very rigid
boundaries.
This looks like not giving your child any age-appropriate choices. When we
control every aspect of our child’s lives and make all the decisions for them,
we send a very clear message that they are not responsible for their own
choices or decisions because someone else always has the power. In this way,
being overly controlling can set a child up for a limited life
experience.
Take a step back and think through where you might be able to give your child
some breathing room to make choices. From what extracurricular activities they
participate in, to who they play with, to what they’re eating, to what they’re
doing when there are so many opportunities to give your child some
age-appropriate agency within their own life.
> Living vicariously through your child can be a red flag. Did you have hopes or dreams growing up that you never got to fulfill? Do you
look to your child to fulfill those dreams now? Listen, if you really wanted
to be a ballerina and your kid loves to dance, that’s beautiful. There’s
nothing wrong with that. The thing to be aware of is where you might be
pushing your child to do things that YOU wanted to do, but that they don’t. If
there is a part of you that uses any kind of guilt or manipulation to get your
child to fulfill your dream…take note.
> Taking on your child’s problems as your own and unhealthy helping. There has to come a time when a child learns how to fight their own battles.
If at every turn you’re calling the school, another parent, or staying up
until midnight with the glue gun to finish their science project that’s due
tomorrow…take a closer look. When you continually bail your kid out of hot
water or fight their fights for them, you are covertly sending them a message
that they are incapable.
Where can you give your child some more space to figure it out themselves
(again, in an age-appropriate way)? Instead of jumping in with advice when
they come to you with a problem, can you listen actively and then ask them
what they think they should or could do?
Bottom line: whether you’re in the terrible twos or the terrifying teens,
kids are learning from the behavior you are modeling. Human beings don’t
necessarily learn from what they are told. We learn from what we see and from
what we experience. While of course, as parents, it’s our instinct to want to
protect our children from every possible painful experience, the reality is,
they learn from failure, from making mistakes and from, yes, sometimes feeling
the pain of a wrong decision.
Our role as parents is to give our children as much space and autonomy in
each stage of development so that they can build the healthy life skills they
need to be the most fully expressed versions of themselves out in the
world.
If you did identify with any of the codependent behaviors, the good news is
it is never too late to make a shift.
Having a better understanding of your own background has everything to do
with your ability to stop the cycle of codependency for you, for your children
and for generations to come.
In this week’s downloadable guide, I’m giving you a Codependency Inventory
that will really help you get more clarity around your childhood experiences
and how they might be still affecting your behavior in the present. I’m also
sharing some steps you can take to begin to lovingly set up healthier
boundaries for you and your child, as well as things you can do to begin to
heal from codependent behaviors.
Make sure to download that right here!
The most powerful thing you can do to not raise a codependent child is to
recognize, understand, and start on the road to recovery from your own
codependency.
I co-created a course with Mark Groves (@createthelove) to help you do just
that. If you want to learn more about this 5-week virtual experience and hop
on the waitlist for the next time we open enrollment, click right here.
I hope this added value to your life today. If there’s someone you know who
is struggling with this and you think that this would help them, please share
it on your social media platforms.
I’m sending you all the good vibes and as always take care of you.
“Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of
Life’s longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though
they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts, For they have their own
thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls
dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your
dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek no to make them like you. For life
goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with
His might that His arrows may go swift and far. Let your bending in the
archer’s hand be for gladness; For even as He loves the arrow that flies, He
also loves the bow that is stable.
Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet