Happy New Year!

This is the first Tune Up Tip of 2014 and I am excited! For me, the New Year is always a time of great hope for new dreams to actualize in the coming year.

What are you creating and hoping for in this new year?

And what dreams are you holding on to from 2013 or years prior that may not have come true?

You may not realize this, but mourning dreams that didn’t come to fruition is just as important as working hard to make your current dreams come true. And these two processes are intimately connected. Unrealized dreams and feelings of regret take up space in your mind and your heart that could be better used for what you are currently creating.

Tweet: Mourning dreams that didn’t materialize, is an important part of the process of liberating you to move on to dreams that will. @Terri_Cole

It’s through this mourning and releasing that you are able to let go of what you wished would have happened in order to recognize, embrace and celebrate what you have now.

When I first met my husband, Vic I was enamoured. It had always been one of my dreams to meet an amazing man, get married and have a family. Vic was talented, kind, smart and handsome so the idea of creating a human together was definitely part of my plan.  But the Universe had a different plan. Vic was older, widowed and already had three teenage sons who needed our love and attention. In time it became clear that having a child together was not going to happen.

This was hard for me. It didn’t fit into my dream, precisely as I planned. But I was in love with Vic and the boys and my life with them. I was happy but conflicted. Was I being ungrateful or greedy to still want a biological child? Did I really want that or was it just what I always dreamt would happen? Luckily, I had an amazing therapist who helped me sort out my feelings and encouraged me to mourn and honor my dream of having a child (the old fashioned way) so I could be present to the dream I was living. She encouraged me to do the below release exercise.

Journal Release Exercise:

1. Write a list of dreams that never came true.

2. Next to each dream, write why you are sad, what you feel you missed and what you gained by that dream not coming true.

3. Then burn what you have written someplace safe. As you burn, intentionally release any feelings of regret or sadness so you can make space for new dreams and the dream you may already be living.

Once, I allowed myself the time and space to honor my sadness of not having a biological child, I felt relieved. The process was cathartic, painful and liberating. Once I came out on the other side I felt deep gratitude for exactly the way my family came into being. I no longer felt conflicted about anything, just grateful. I remain deeply in love with my life.

This exercise is not to encourage you to give up on your dreams. It is to help you see that it is ok for dreams to change or that things turning out differently than you planned does not have to mean failure. Course correcting and reframing are a part of being flexible and healthy in this unpredictable life journey.

I invite you consider doing the Release exercise regarding any dream that never manifested in your life. Please share with me in the comments below what those dreams were and how this process has helped you release in order to more fully celebrate all that you have now.

This process can be deep and takes time. So be gentle and loving with yourself and as always, take care of you

 

Love Love Love

Terri

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  1. I listened to you for the first time today & am trying to access your blue print download (questions??) I don’t see it anywhere on your web site or on hay house radio. Where can I find it? Thank you

    1. Joan,
      Thanks for listening! I think you are looking for the Downloaded Love Blueprint. Here you go!
      Why does finding love seem simple for some and impossible for others? Is love only for the lucky? Is it really about being in the right place at the right time or is there something more to it?

      Actually, there is plenty more to it. How we view romantic love and our own lovability has everything to do with what we learned growing up. Every family has their own cultural norms around love and marriage. I call these belief systems downloaded “blueprints”. Someone else designed them, perhaps generations ago, and they have been systematically reinforced for years and then become your reality.

      In order to understand the effect your downloaded L*O*V*E* blueprint is having on your love life, you must get conscious of what limiting beliefs your blueprint contains.

      Below is a list of questions to answer to illuminate your relationship patterns, self- regard, and limiting beliefs about love. It is only possible to change the blueprint when you realize that you have one.

      *What was your family culture about love and marriage?
      *Were your parents divorced?
      *Who had the “power” in the relationship?
      *As a child did you feel loved and valued?
      *How did your parents regard and interact with each other?
      *What from your own past romantic relationships impact your current blueprint?
      *Was there verbal and/or physical affection in your home?
      *How many people in your family have good marriages?
      *Was marriage held in high esteem in your childhood home?
      *Were people free to express their feelings?
      Really take time and space to go back to the way it was. By accessing the real memories, the blueprint you have been rocking will come into sharp focus. Once you have a clearer vision of your limiting beliefs, you can start to draw up your own L*O*V*E* blueprint.
      Journal the kind of love you want to draw into your life. If you are currently in a relationship and unsatisfied, include in your journal entry how you would like the relationship to be (Note: Not how your partner needs to change to make you happy, but how you want to feel in the relationship.) Take time to read what you wrote and feel the feelings of having these experiences.
      In order to draw the love you seek into your life you MUST be able to visualize and feel the experience. Since we are all made up of energy, when you feel the love you want, your energetic vibration is raised. This higher vibration will draw like-love energy to you. The opposite is also true: If you stay in a place of feeling lack and focus on what you do not have, that vibration will draw more lack. So decide what you want to create and then make decisions in line with that goal.
      I hope this inspires you to embrace being the architect of all your life experiences. It is totally possible to build self-love and awareness that lead to the romantic love of your dreams. You are worth it. You deserve it. Now do the work to create it. As always I will be cheering you on like a wild maniac!

  2. Three years ago I opened my heart and home to my daughter and 3 granddaughters, my daughter was in a verbally abusive marriage and wanted out. I had been subjected to all the horrible stories my daughter would tell me and her father about her abuser. I pured my heart and soul into healing her to bulid her self esteem up. Then six months of being w/us she went back. I was afraid for her and reminded her of the things he did and the person he is, so when she left, she stopped talking to everyone on our side of the family, we live in the same town and I am heartbroken, I have tried to call her, text her to see if we can talk about the situation and she either ignores me or will say yes and then will not follow through w/meeting me.
    I am mourning that I have lost a child and I feel stuck, I try to move on, but it is always playing in my head, I think about her all the time.

    1. I am so sorry to hear about your pain. This is sadly a common scenario with abusive relationships and the collateral damage they cause. Try to focus your energy just on re-establishing your relationship with your daughter and grandchildren. All you can do is be consistent and reach out periodically, never bad mouthing him, just focusing on your daughter and grand kids. The abuser may also be demanding total loyalty from her and since it was you she came to when she left, he may also be pressuring her to cut off contact. Hopefully in time she will come back around. I believe you do have a legal right to see your grandchildren, if that is an avenue you want to pursue. I am sending you healing light and patience. xo

    1. Zamna-
      If you are getting stuck there-the process you are in is not mourning. Mourning is a process of honoring the good and the painful and moving through to the other side. I can understand exactly why you wrote this because I think it is a common misconception. Thank you for sharing your thoughts here. If you find yourself ‘stuck’ try to get inspired to look as objectively as possible at what you are trying to mourn. Seeing it from both sides, good and bad, light and dark helps move the process along. I also think that people get stuck because if they are mourning a person or relationship -unconsciously it seems the only way to stay connected to the person or situation but in reality that ‘connection’ is an illusion. No one and nothing can ever take away what has already happened so moving on does not lesson a connection. Thanks again xo

  3. I’m have a hard time assessing what I gained by the dream not coming true. Especially if the “things:” or perspective I gained hasn’t made me happy and is actually the root of my depression. Also, I dont know what to look for to sustain me financially if I abandon the pursuit of the thing I trained my whole life for.

    1. Thanks for being so open Lina. Rather than looking for what you have ‘gained’ try just looking for the good that exists in your life right now. See if you can move into a place of gratitude starting with simple things basic things like hot clean water in your shower, or a cup of tea, a warm bed at night. Start small, practice daily and you can build up. Gratitude is a muscle just like any other. By acknowledging your disappointment with what has not happened in the professional space, perhaps you will create room to see other options. Mourning the way you thought it would be does not necessarily mean giving up. It may just mean finding another way in. Take good care of you.

  4. I needed to see this now.

    My 2 biggest dreams didn’t come to fruition in 2013. One personal, one professional. I out my heart and soul into making them come true. Everything I had. Hard work, patience, love and tears. And neither worked out.
    I’m usually a positive person, and strong. But this double whammy has really flattened me. I know I need to get up off the ground and move ahead… But I haven’t been able to shake the resentment and sadness.
    This post helped. I’ll do the exercise you suggested. I know it’s time to let those things go. It’s just so hard to accept something you dreamed about and wanted with all your heart isn’t going to happen. I’ve been doing a lot of mourning and thought I was being indulgent. Maybe I wasn’t being that after all, but being a bit healthier about it than I knew. Thanks for that.

    1. Jennifer I am so happy this blog resonated with you. Please circle back and let me know how the exercise goes. Be gentle and patient with yourself during this time. Thanks so much for sharing your story.

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