Have you ever wondered how your relationship with your maternal impactor has impacted you?

Do you feel like your relationship with your mother/mother figure is ‘off’?

Or do you find yourself longing for a different relationship with her altogether? 

Then this episode is for you. I cover the seven archetypes of mothering and give you deep-dive questions to determine which archetype you experienced and whether you have a mother wound. 

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

If you struggle with your relationship with your mother, you are not alone. Many women in my community have shared stories of absent, abusive, critical, and narcissistic mothers.

There can be a lot of shame, guilt, and longing associated with not having a good relationship with your mother, or not having the relationship you wanted with your maternal impactor. 

It is important to process, understand, and honor your feelings, which is why I am talking about the mother wound. 

What is A Mother Wound? 

The mother wound is a psychological and emotional injury that stems from growing up with a mother figure who was not emotionally attuned or available to you. 

Beyond physical abuse or abandonment, this can also include someone who is physically present but emotionally checked out. 

Even if your mother was always home, if she started drinking at 3 in the afternoon and passed out at 8:30, she wasn’t really there.

You do not have to be raised by your biological mother to have a mother wound or to have a complicated relationship with how you relate to motherhood. 

Many women tend to minimize their suffering, and I think it is important for everyone to be included in this inquiry because what you experienced matters.

I intentionally use “maternal impactor” to describe the female who raised you. (If a male raised you, it would be a paternal impactor.) Your maternal impactor might be a foster mom, an auntie, or a grandmother. 

There are many types of relationships you can have with a maternal impactor, but I narrow it down to seven here. 

Type #1: The Hot-or-Cold Mother

This maternal impactor could not regulate their emotions well. 

They may have exhibited erratic behavior, or suffered from mood swings, anxiety, or depression. 

You likely experienced uncertainty about what kind of maternal impactor you were going to get on a given day. 

The unpredictability of this mother type creates a chaotic home atmosphere. It feels like walking on eggshells constantly, which is stressful for a child. 

Within this dynamic, we learn to become invisible to get out of the line of fire, and we become hypervigilant in anticipating different moods. 

If you have trouble regulating your emotions as an adult, this dynamic might be why. 

Type #2: Role Reversal

Role reversal is where you were expected to take care of the person who was supposed to take care of you. This is called child parentification. 

This is a painful experience because as a child, you do not have the skills to take care of an adult, even if you do your best. Parentification sets a child up to fail and creates deep wounds and fear of abandonment. 

This dynamic can create high-functioning codependency in adulthood because you are dialed into the people around you, their moods, what they need, and how they feel. You may also seek safety or have the desire to control outcomes and the feeling states of others. 

Type #3: The Self-Obsessed Mother

Maybe you had a “me, me, me” mother, where everything centered around them. You may have grown up feeling like an extension of this maternal archetype, as the self-obsessed mother does not see her children as separate from her. 

The family system itself organizes around this self-absorbed maternal impactor, and they may have narcissistic tendencies or a Cluster B personality disorder. 

As a child of a self-obsessed maternal impactor, you learn not to shine too brightly. Instead, you learn to shine a light on them (which is what they want from you). It is painful to feel like you are a threat to your own parent. 

In adulthood, you are likely an incredible supporter of the other people in your life. Your friends might come to you because you are a great problem-solver who knows how to make it about them.

This can be an exhausting role to play. You need relationships and friendships where there is mutuality and you are allowed and encouraged to shine. 

Type #4: The BFF Mother

Did your mom see you as a friend or hang out with your friends? Did she treat you as an equal or have inappropriate conversations with you where she shared too much about her private life? 

Then you may have experienced “the BFF” maternal impactor. This dynamic creates disordered emotional boundaries which can persist in adulthood. When the boundaries of motherhood and friendship are blurred, it can be difficult to healthily individuate from a maternal impactor.

You can have a deep, fond and friendly relationship with your maternal impactor, but they should always be your mother, not your friend. 

Growing up with a parent who wants to be your friend is a burden because, in a way, your maternal impactor makes experiences about them, too. A healthy family system is appropriately child-focused (not child-obsessed), and this dynamic cheats you out of being the focus. 

Type #5: The Perfectionist Mother

Was your maternal impactor a perfectionist? Then they may have been anxious, fearful, controlling, and hypercritical – not just of themselves, but of you as well. 

You might have felt like you could never get it right. This belief may have squashed your desire to go for your dreams, both as a child and as an adult. 

Having a perfectionistic maternal impactor often turns us into perfectionists, which is a drag. Perfectionism sucks the joy out of life because it blinds us to the good. For example, if you give a presentation where 98% of it went well and 2% did not go well, you feel upset about the 2% and discount the rest. 

When you are raised this way, your worth and value get tied up in your performance because the focus is on what you achieve and how many accomplishments you have. In a healthy household, you feel loved for who you are, not like you have to perform to be loved. 

If any of these archetypes resonate with you, download the guide to determine whether you have a mother wound and for a healing exercise. 

Type #6: The Good Enough Mother

This is a mother who knows she does not have to be perfect. She just has to be good enough for her kids to thrive and be resilient. 

This kind of maternal impactor is clearly the parent. She does not need anything from her child other than connection and respect. 

Boundaries are also present in this dynamic. Kids thrive when they have healthy boundaries – they need to know the rules so they can stay in them or step outside of them.

The good enough mother can self-regulate and has balance. She focuses on her kids but has a life outside of her identity as a mother. 

If you grew up with a good enough mother, you had space to grow because you could make mistakes. You had the freedom to change and become your own person. 

As an adult, you may have an inner sense of safety because you formed a secure attachment to your maternal impactor. If you fail, you know it is not the end of the world, and you have faith you will figure things out. 

Type #7: The Unavailable/Rejecting Mother

This is someone who could not meet your physical and/or emotional needs in childhood. 

The unavailable/rejecting mother may have been neglectful as well. They might have provided food and shelter for you, but if they were not emotionally available or attuned to you, you likely felt unloved or rejected growing up. 

A caregiver who is sporadically attuned to you and your needs may cause inconsistencies in your relationship with yourself as an adult. This dynamic profoundly impacts how you relate to yourself and your self-image. 

Understanding and Healing the Mother Wound

I wanted to cover these maternal impactor archetypes because enrollment is open for my mother wound course. If you have ever felt like something is off with your relationship with your mother and wondered, “Is this how it is supposed to be?” I invite you to check it out.

You might have a mother wound if any archetype (aside from ‘the good enough mother’) resonates with you. 

I wanted to create awareness around this because the mother wound is an invisible scar many of us are trying to understand. Low self-esteem, non-existent boundaries, codependency, or relationship difficulties often originate with having a mother wound. 

If this sounds interesting, check out my mother wound course here. I am teaching this course live for six weeks, starting on August 16, and we have a Q&A call each week, too. 🎉

To figure out whether you have a mother wound and to take a step toward healing, download the guide for a summary of the archetypes covered, as well as an impactful baby picture exercise. 

I hope this was helpful to you, and as always, take care of you.