Do you find yourself exhausted after interacting with certain people or in certain situations? With the state of the world, you might just be exhausted from listening to the news. But if you look at the patterns, you’ll probably see there are certain situations and certain people that drain your energy more than others.

I’m talking about empaths and highly sensitive people. I’m going to explain the difference between the two and give you a five-step plan for staying balanced.

I identify as both. An empath is someone who actually feels other people’s feelings. It’s not just being sympathetic or compassionate. When you’re around someone who’s in pain, you feel that pain deeply. And it’s absolutely exhausting if you don’t know how to protect yourself.

A highly sensitive person is someone whose senses are sensitive. Sensitive to light, sound, scratchy tags inside your clothing, and smells. Being an HSP can make you feel kind of extra.

My husband is empathetic, but he’s not a super empath or an HSP. At the beginning of our marriage, I said less about what I needed. I felt embarrassed that I needed things in a very particular way. I can’t stand overhead lights or fluorescent lights. I need really soft sheets. I can’t stand anything picky or itchy. I’ve been this way all my life. When I was a child, I lived in the dark. My mother would come in, and it would be pitch black, and she’d say, “What are you doing?” And I’d say, “Nothing. This is just how I like it.” And she never made me feel bad or insisted that I keep the lights on in my room.

If you identify as an empath or highly sensitive person, chances are your antennas are up at all times. You’re automatically scanning the rooms and people to make sure everything is okay. If you also identify as codependent, you’re even more vulnerable to being involved with other people’s experiences, their pain, their problems.

In my 20s, anyone’s pain felt like my pain. Before I had therapy and understood what it meant to be a highly sensitive person and an empath, I was exhausted and depleted, and I wasn’t sure why.

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Auto Accommodating: A Hidden Pattern

Auto-accommodating is a term I coined because of my own experience. It’s a state of hyper-awareness where you’re constantly ready to lighten someone else’s burden without being asked. And, before long, you can become totally burnt out.

I discovered this at my hair salon. I was lying in the sink with a treatment on my hair, and the sink traffic was backing up. I started getting stressed that there was a line. I called over the assistant and said, “I could sit over there. I don’t need to take up a sink.” She said, “Terri, it’s always like this on busy Saturdays. Don’t worry, we’ve got it covered.”

In that moment, I realized what being hyper dialed out rather than dialed in was costing me. I could have been meditating. I could have rested my tired brain. But I was taking responsibility for something that wasn’t my responsibility.

That’s auto-accommodating and over-functioning. Where are you doing this in your life?

The Five-Step Plan for Exhausted Empaths

This plan will help you keep your butt on your own side of the street. I’ve put it all in a guide for you at terricole.com/guide.

Step One: Take an Inventory

Make a list of the most stress-inducing situations you find yourself in. Where are you when you feel totally exhausted or depleted? Where do you feel flooded with stimuli? Think about your home environment, friendships, family, and work.

For me, it meant being conscious that loud places like concerts are hard for my sensitive hearing. I don’t like being in super crowded places. Years ago, Vic and I went to the Macy’s Day Parade balloon inflation the night before the parade, and I ended up having a panic attack because we were crushed in this crowd of people with so much energy. When you’re an empath, it’s hard not to absorb that.

Step Two: Identify the Energy Vampires

Who are the people draining your energy? This doesn’t mean you’re cutting everyone off. It’s just important to know who is activating what. Be honest with yourself. This is about self-awareness, not judgment.

Step Three: Boundaries

Get clear about what is and isn’t okay with you. Protecting yourself and your energy might require disappointing others. And that’s okay.

People still invite me to outdoor concerts. I’m never doing that. It’s too loud, too many people. In the beginning, I felt like I had to write a whole dissertation about why. You don’t. You can just say, “Not for me.”

You have a right to be self-determined regarding how you spend your time and energy. Learn to assert yourself lovingly. “I’m no to a 9pm dinner, but I’m always yes to you, Lola. Let’s have lunch on Wednesday.”

Step Four: Prioritize Your Comfort

There are small changes you can make to your lifestyle to better honor your preferences. How you dress, the things in your space. Do you have a weighted blanket? Do you like dim lighting? Every room in my house is framed in twinkle lights. I love indirect, soft light. It soothes my nervous system. What’s comforting to you?

Step Five: Build a Daily Practice

Something that grounds you. Guided meditations, breathing, journaling, energy work, ritual baths. The more you flex your mindfulness muscle, the easier it gets to shift away from auto-accommodating. A daily ritual will give you more time between a thought and a reaction.

Your sensitivity is your superpower. You can love and feel deeply without losing yourself in someone else’s pain. I promise you, it’s possible. You just need the skills to protect your energy.

If you want support, I’d love to see you inside the Terri Cole Membership at terricole.com/tcm. And grab the guide at terricole.com/guide.

Terri Cole Answers Your FAQs From The Week’s Blog

What’s the difference between an empath and a highly sensitive person? An empath actually feels other people’s feelings. When you’re around someone in pain, you feel that pain deeply. A highly sensitive person has senses that are easily overwhelmed. Sensitive to light, sound, textures, smells. You can be one or both. Either way, it can be exhausting if you don’t know how to protect yourself.

What is auto-accommodating? Auto-accommodating is being constantly ready to lighten someone else’s burden without being asked. It’s a state of hyper-awareness, scanning for problems to solve that aren’t yours. You end up burnt out because you’re taking responsibility for things that were never your responsibility in the first place.

How do I stop absorbing other people’s energy? Start by taking an inventory of the situations and people who drain you. Get clear on your boundaries and practice asserting them lovingly. Prioritize your comfort in your environment. And build a daily practice that grounds you, whether that’s meditation, journaling, breathing, or energy work. The goal is more time between a thought and a reaction.

Is being an empath a bad thing? No. Your sensitivity is your superpower. You can love and feel deeply without losing yourself in someone else’s pain. You just need the skills to protect your energy. Boundaries and daily grounding practices make a big difference.