Did you grow up with emotionally unavailable parents or caregivers?
Do you identify with having a father or mother wound?
Do you feel unlovable or undeserving of love?
When our emotional needs go unmet in childhood, it often leaves a lasting impression on how worthy we think we are.
Reparenting can help.
In this episode, I’m sharing examples of reparenting, why and how it can help us heal childhood wounds and practical strategies you can use to begin reparenting yourself today.
Prefer the audio? Listen here.
What Is Reparenting, and How Can It Help?
In its basic form, reparenting looks like treating yourself the way you’d treat a child you adore. It’s a beautiful way to give yourself the gentle love and kindness you may not have received in childhood, but wholly deserve.
If you experienced emotional neglect in childhood and had parents or caregivers who weren’t attuned to your wants and needs, you might feel unworthy or highly critical of yourself.
Protecting and cherishing the ‘little you’ inside of your adult self can help you repair those childhood wounds, which is what reparenting is all about.
Someone else’s inability to love you the way you needed to be loved as a child has nothing to do with your worthiness. You were born worthy and are worthy simply by virtue of being alive.
You might say, “My childhood wasn’t that bad,” but emotional neglect can leave lasting scars. Minimizing your childhood experiences doesn’t help.
What does help is honoring your truth and treating yourself with the compassion, love, and kindness you deserve. And if you don’t believe you deserve it, I will hold this belief for you. ❤️
Finding Reparenting Inspiration If You Didn’t Have a Good Example Growing Up
Before we get into how to reparent, let’s address a common question I get asked:
“How can I reparent myself if my own parental figures weren’t loving toward me?”
You are capable of reparenting, even without a loving caregiver to serve as a model.
Think about how you naturally treat kids or pets you love, or maybe how you care for your houseplants. (Anyone else have an ever-growing collection, or just me?)
I know many of you are high-class nurturers with others. It’s time to turn it inward!
You’ve also probably seen examples of good parenting in other families.
Growing up, my father was emotionally unavailable, but I had friends with very engaged dads who made me go, hmmm, I want someone who is accessible and emotionally warm.
I went on to find those traits in my husband. Being with someone I didn’t have to be afraid of was incredibly healing.
You can also find inspiration in TV and movies. Maybe there are wholesome family relationships that make you feel warm and fuzzy depicted on your favorite sitcom. I’m also happy to be anyone’s internet mama, auntie, or big sis.❤️
8 Qualities of Loving Parents
If you grew up in an unhealthy family system and aren’t sure what kind of inspiration to look for, here’s a list of traits I associate with healthy parents:
- Compassionate
- Affectionate and warm
- Considerate
- Has healthy boundaries
- Holds you in high esteem, even when you make mistakes
- Emotionally safe and trustworthy
- Consistent (not emotionally volatile)
- Supportive of you and your dreams; not in competition with you
With practice, you can embody these traits, too. Let’s talk about how.
5 Practical Steps to Reparent Yourself
I’ve outlined all the steps you can take to reparent yourself in the guide, which you can download here, but I’ll run through a few here.
#1: Be aware of negative self-talk. When you make a mistake, is your first instinct to call yourself mean names? Replace this harsh voice with a compassionate one.
I still struggle with this sometimes. I work to tell myself, “You’re human. It’s okay. Give yourself a break. Relax. It all doesn’t have to be so hard.”
#2: Learn to self-soothe. Having an unattuned caregiver can lead to a dysregulated nervous system and dysregulated emotions. If we didn’t have anyone to help us co-regulate or tell us our feelings were safe, we might find emotional self-regulation difficult. Self-soothing is possible to learn, though.
#3: Consider yourself. What makes you feel good? Is it a walk in nature? Sipping a warm beverage? Cozying up in a blanket? Snuggling with a pet?
Throughout the day, ask yourself, “What do you need, honey? What would feel good to you right now, my love?”
It may feel silly at first, and you may not even have an answer. That’s okay. This is an ongoing practice and dialogue. Just checking in with yourself is an act of self-consideration.
#4: Surround yourself with loving people. It is incredibly effective to find ‘substitute’ parental figures. They don’t even need to be older than you! It’s about how they make you feel considered and seen.
#5: Have healthy boundaries. Advocating for your preferences, desires, limits, and deal-breakers is a loving act, especially if your parents did not have good boundaries.
Here’s an example of setting a healthy boundary from someone in my VIP group: her sister, whom she’s close with, was calling her to complain about work for hours. Eventually, she silenced her phone (so she didn’t feel compelled to respond immediately) and told her sister she only had the capacity for a condensed version.
By setting boundaries and telling the truth, she stood up for herself and also protected her relationship with her sister.
These reparenting strategies can open you up to an entirely new way of relating to yourself, and I have even more in the guide, so make sure you download it here.
I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments or on Instagram (@terricole). Have you tried reparenting? Do you feel called to incorporate any of these strategies on your healing journey? Which one would you like to try first?
Have the most amazing week and as always, take care of you.