Are you a Co Dependent Over Functioner?

When someone you love has a problem in his or her life or is in pain, does it feel like it is happening to you? Do you offer unsolicited advice on how to “fix” their situation? Do you think YOU know what they “should “ be doing to live their life correctly?

If you answered yes to the above questions then the answer to the Co Dependent Over functioning question is a resounding YES YOU ARE!

So check out this weeks tip and release your perception that YOU know what anyone else needs to learn on this life journey (kids are a different story and a different Vlog 😉 or that AVOIDING all situations that create pain or discomfort is the goal.

Learn how to tolerate your feelings of anxiety and ACTUALLY add value to your loved ones struggle by lovingly holding space for them to learn whatever it is they need to with the added comfort of your love and true support.

As always I am interested in hearing your thoughts and ideas. If this tip resonates with you please share it on FB and Twitter.

Have a wonderful week and take care of you.

Love Love Love,
Terri

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  1. thank you for this tip! the synchronicity is unbelievable. i was a student of yours at stone street 10 years ago, and your recommendation of reading “the artists way” was the first step i took towards healing, so thank you!

    i have been struggling lately with how to address my partner’s addictions: to work, to being social and “out” all the time, and to drinking alcohol daily (a moderate amount, but still). i have not known how to share my feelings about this and clumsily did so last night in the most fair way i could- trying not to blame or criticize but to tell him how it makes me feel. it causes me anxiety about our future because he doesn’t see the source of these addictions is the way he feels about himself- feeding the monkey of shame, so to speak. i also have a hard time taking care of myself when he is around, though i’ve been keeping my distance lately in order to do so. i did as good a job as possible to keep the focus on how i feel and not him, and i think i did pretty well. oh it’s so easy to diagnose everyone else, isn’t it?

    i have been attending al anon meetings, which have helped me see the difficulty in telling the difference between two issues: how i make him the object of my own addiction – worrying – or whether his addictions are reason enough to split up. i want to run for the hills because i am scared now every time he takes a drink that it will be our downfall, but i have a feeling that this situation was placed in my lap as a challenge to trigger my own fears and anxieties and be forced to face them. it is just very hard to decipher, especially because he is such a wonderful guy. what is your take?

    thank you!

    1. WEll hello Jessica!
      It sounds like you have done a lot of work on yourself since you were a student of mine. Your instincts are good. If your man treats you well and you have good communication and you communicate from the place of This is how it makes me feel, this is my concern, this was my experience then you are doing the right things. Ala-non is great but just take what works and leave the rest just like AA.

      My take is continue to draw your boundaries and if you do not want to go out all of the time don’t- if he drinks daily but is still the person you know and love then you have to look at what historical stuff is getting kicked up and who else in your younger life could you not control and feared losing or did lose? It is always in asking the question, Where have I felt this way before? Why is is familiar? That leads us to the original injury.

      My take on alcohol consumption is that if the amount and frequency that you drink has a negative impact on the quality of your life and relationships it is an issue no matter what the amount.

      Your side of the street in all of this is not to project into the future or decide what is correct for him-it is to stay dialed into your own feelings and be honest with him about what they are at the time as best you can. Fear is a big piece of this so you have to get a hold of your Mafia Mind and be here now and see how it unfolds.

      If you are not meditating please start as nothing strengthens your ability to kick the shit out of the fear mind faster than a daily dose of stillness and silence.

      Keep me posted.
      Good Luck!

  2. Dear Yasmin-
    First of all Good For You! Next if this person has been a good friend than why not simply ask her for what you would like rather than frame it in a big WE NEED TO TALK type conversation? I have a dear friend that i did this with and the friendship has since flourished. I simply said, “I am struggling with something, can you just listen please and not offer advise unless I ask for it?” She got it and almost cried with gratitude that I loved her enough to tell her the truth and to ask for what i needed.
    I think you can do it. Why not create the space for your friend to be the best friend she can be? If she can’t or gets mad at least you were authentic.
    Keep us posted please!
    Love Love Love
    Terri

  3. Thank You Terri for putting into words what I have felt but been unable to verbalize. For the past several months (since I attended CSD weekend with Terri and Kris Carr at Kripalu), I have found myself distancing myself from the fixers. Actually, I only had one but she was a very close friend. I started noticing that every conversation that led to, “you know what your problem is” or “your expectations are too high” left me feeling deflated or tense in my abdominal area. I’m sure it was there all the time but my mind-body connection has been getting stronger post-CSD. My only question is that after 6 years of friendship, do I need to formally explain why I have distanced myself? I have many times discussed my philosphy on friends supporting each other rather than fixing each other but none of it has sunk in. I have not had a direct “when you do this, i feel this way” conversation.

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