I got a request to do an episode about gaslighting, and I wanted to do it because it’s a term I’ve been hearing a lot lately. Gaslighting is an intense form of emotional abuse, and it can make victims feel crazy! So today on the show I’m explaining what gaslighting is and telling you the signs that someone is gaslighting you.
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“Gaslighting does not require deliberate plotting, it only requires a belief that it is acceptable to overwrite another person’s reality.” – Terri Cole
Show Notes:
- Where the term came from
- What is gaslighting?
- The characteristics of someone who gaslights
- The difference between manipulation and gaslighting
- What is glamor gaslighting
- How gaslighters always transform into the victim
- Why abusers may use multiple abusive behaviors
- What are the signs that you’re being gaslighted
- How to understand your blueprint of abuse
“You isolate yourself – they’re doing it by making you crazy but you’re also doing it because you don’t want to reveal the shame.” – Terri Cole
Signs That You’re Being Gaslighted:
- You second guess yourself
- You wonder if you’re too sensitive or jealous
- You feel confused often
- You start lying or covering up when there’s no need to do so
- You’re constantly on alert
- You try to predict what’s going to happen
- You cover up and hide from family and friends
- You apologize even when it’s not your fault
- You defend yourself against ridiculous accusations
- You wonder if you are going crazy
“The last symptom is that you sometimes wonder if you are going crazy, because that’s kind of the whole point of this abusive tactic.” – Terri Cole
Links Mentioned:
- Watch the film The Girl on the Train
- Read Adult Children of Alcoholics by Janet Woititz
- Join the Real Love Revolution!
“It really does erode your confidence and your ability to believe in your own interpretation of events.” – Terri Cole
Several years after you published this podcast, but thanks so much for clarifying the different ways you might experience gaslighting. So relate to the backtracking and hours of arguing/bad vibes/ confusion/ frustration/ tears over literally nothing. ..and even if I say the kindest, most supportive words to the “victim” it’s still the wrong thing that makes matters worse. I’m grateful that I found out a few years ago, by accident, that gaslighting is a thing. Have read a little around it, but your podcast was the most reassuring of all! Weirdly the gaslighting I experience with my partner is ‘only’ 3 or 4 times a year. And I often see it coming but still can’t deflect it from happening… Thanks x
Thank you for sharing. Yes, the information is still very relevant and I am glad to hear it resonates with you.
Hi Terri I have watched your video s witch has given me a insight to my current situation would like to speak to you by email privately if possible current situation not good 42 years married and struggling to hold onto it .
Pauline,
I am sorry to hear about your painful situation. I cannot communicate privately with you as there are too many inquiries for this to be possible but if you email support@terricole.com and share where you live we can try to make a referral to a therapist in your area if that would help. Sending you strength and protection xo
Fantastic Talk! I saw my oldest sister in your description, who behaves like our mother did in her narcissistic behavior. The parallels between these two are eerie.
Your mention of the husband in “The Girl on the Train” subtly (though not to his wife) threatening their daughter was spot on in how my sister treated my cat when I lived with her. She threatened him all the time in her not-so-subtle attempts to manipulate me while I lived with her. I believe she was actually jealous of our relationship.
Thanks for affirming that I wasn’t being paranoid about that.
I have a family replete with narcissists. Even the ones capable of compassion and empathy marry narcissists and/or abusive people because they don’t know any other kind of relationship. I have held off on relationships because of it. I didn’t believe I could be a good mother because of how I was raised. And after a series of relationships with narcissistic men, I definitely didn’t feel as if I could ever be loved.
At 52, I’m seeing myself as a lost cause, because I’ve had to be so protective all my life and now I wonder how it could ever be different. My one comfort is that I didn’t stay with any of the toxic, abusive people who were my boyfriends, and I keep a safe distance from the toxic abusive members of my family. We have a huge amount of healing to do.
Thanks for this podcast! I’ll definitely follow you!
I am witnessing your great courage with so much compassion and understanding, Elayne. It is never too late for you to understand how your LOVE BLUEPRINT came to be and to change it. You are young and if you want to experience healthy love in your life I have no doubt that is possible. Thank you for sharing here with us- I am rooting for you!!
Wow, Terry. Thank you for this topic, I wasn’t aware this existed, but it’s amazing how the Universe sends us exactly what we need if only we pay attention!
I’ve just disentangled myself from a situation in which a man, whom I’d just began dating was attempting to manipulate and gaslight me after I began enforcing my boundaries. Both of us are adult children of alcoholics and I recognized the behavior because I had seen my father do it to my mother and my brother’s wife do it to him, as he is also an alcoholic and this is how she keeps him dependent on her. Frightening stuff. Thankfully, I was able to see it and move away from his predatory influences.
Good for you for doing your own mental health work, recognizing the warning signs and moving on!! Thanks for sharing here with us.