Have you ever wondered why you attract the people you do romantically?

Do you find yourself dating a version of the same person over and over again…only to eventually be disappointed and frustrated? Or maybe you are in a relationship and you are craving more- more intimacy, better communication, and a deeper connection?

If you have ever thought amazing, epic love is for other people or the lucky few who happened to be in the right place at the right time, you are not alone. I used to think the same until I started diving deeper into therapy to understand my own attraction style. 

In this episode, I’m teaching you how to identify your romantic attraction style, because it is an important aspect of understanding your romantic experiences which sets the stage for you to create and maintain healthy, vibrant love. Self-knowledge is power and I can attest that real love isn’t for the “lucky,” it is for the self-informed.

 

Your romantic attraction type is influenced by many different factors including the way your parental impactors related to you as a child, the model of love you witnessed in the family system you grew up in, your natural personality, and your preferences. 

When I was younger, before I met my husband, Victor, I was confused about how healthy love worked. I thought the answers were outside of myself, like if I just got out there more than I’d meet the right people…but I kept sort of meeting the same people.

I believed I was unlucky in love. And because I didn’t have a healthy or vibrant love relationship modeled for me when I was growing up, I didn’t know how to do it better. 

Everything shifted for me in therapy when I started to understand that, really, I was the common denominator in all of my relationships. It might seem obvious now but at the time it wasn’t. The more work I did to uncover my relationship patterns and unconscious beliefs driving my behaviors, the more I understood why I was attracting who I was attracting.

I invite you to think about your past relationship dynamics and the way you showed up for them. Can you identify any kind of pattern in your behaviors? Were you overgiving or under giving? Overly assertive, passive, or avoidant? 

When we can begin to look back, connect the dots, and understand why we are the way we are, it is the beginning of change. This is for you whether you are single or partnered, because the more you know about yourself the more readily and masterfully you can negotiate your relationships and get your needs met.

Let’s move into the 4 main attraction types so you can get more clarity around your style:

1. The Fixer

Do you attract people who need “saving” in some way? This might include people struggling with addiction, mental health challenges, or under-functioning and not living up to their potential. Maybe the person you’re attracted to thinks their life is fine but you believe they could make vast improvements- and you’re on board to help them do so. 

If you are a fixer, people become projects. I sometimes call this the “broken-winged bird” syndrome. You are ready to help, nurture, heal, improve, advise, and, yes, fix. I’m looking at you my fellow codependents. ? If you have a compulsion to add value and a covert or overt need to control the feeling states and outcomes of others, you might fall into this attraction type. 

In the past, this was certainly my primary attraction style. I would take over the relationship, making all the plans and diving into fixer-upper mode. If you can relate, here are some red flags to look for so you can avoid falling into this pattern:

> People whose lives aren’t working or tell you they are a disaster. 

> Someone who’s looking for a caregiver, savior, or is constantly seeking advice. 

> Those who ask or allow you to fix their problems, bail them out financially, or make excuses for them.

> Anyone who allows you to neglect your responsibilities and sacrifice your peace and wellbeing to help them.

“The Fixer” tends to repeat patterns of unhealthy helping and overgiving. Inevitably, you can end up bitter, resentful, and taken advantage of, which, of course, does not lead to epic, healthy love. 

2. The Follower

Can you look back at your past relationships and see you’ve had a string of bad listeners, boundary bullies, or partners where it’s all about their agenda? Do you find yourself with people who are domineering, controlling, and manipulative?  

Here are some other red flags:

> People who are overly concerned about where you are and what you are doing. 

> Displays of jealousy early in the dating experience, including friends and family or even strangers. 

> Disregarding your limits and preferences. 

> Have little to no ability to see you as separate from themselves. 

Follower attraction types can attract people who see the relationship as all about themselves and in extreme cases, can be emotionally, verbally, or physically aggressive, or even abusive. You might have had experiences with narcissists or people with narcissistic tendencies. 

3. The Striver

The Striver attraction type attracts people who are emotionally, geographically, or actually unavailable (they might be married or in another relationship). Have you ever felt like the person you’re with has set up all of these hoops for you to jump through? 

The people Strivers attract can use their disapproval of you as a way of maintaining control in the relationship. You might have experienced a partner who is a workaholic and always puts their work before you or consistently chooses their hobbies or friends over spending time with you. 

Here are some more red flags for the kind of individuals the Striver attraction type attracts:

> Particular and exacting about the right way to do big or small things.

> Needs to have things done their way. 

> Extremely selfish. 

> They prioritize their own life and needs over you and the relationship. 

> Can be judgemental towards you and others. 

4. The Soloist

Who does The Soloist attract? No one, because they aren’t dating. You might want to be in a relationship, you’ve shut down completely, aren’t taking action, and are avoiding any romantic connections. 

For clarity’s sake, not everyone wants to be in a relationship and there is nothing wrong with being happy and single. This is for people who deep down want to be in a fulfilling partnership and have consciously or unconsciously given up for various reasons. 

If you are The Soloist you might have…

> Given up on the dating scene and stopped putting yourself out there. 

> Given up on trying to connect with or be intimate with your partner. 

> Been hurt in the past and don’t want to be vulnerable. 

> Feelings of being trapped or like a relationship will take away your independence. 

> A fear of ending up like your parental impactors. 

Listen, real love isn’t just up to chance. Knowledge is power, people. The more self-knowledge and self-awareness you have, the more sovereign you will be in love and in life! 

I created a downloadable guide to help you better understand your attraction type and you can grab it here now. 

If epic love is what you are craving, and you are interested in learning proven psychologically-based practices and therapeutic strategies to uplevel your confidence, your abundance, your joy, and your satisfaction in all areas of your life, I invite you to join me inside Real Love Revolution 2022. ?

I have taught thousands of people around the world how to do this work because I am so passionate about helping others create and maintain healthy, vibrant, EPIC love. Cuz if it can happen for me, it can happen for you. ❤️

If that is what your heart desires, whether you are single or partnered, this course is for you. 

Here’s where you can get all the details and enroll in RLR 2022.

(We’re getting started on January 26th!!!)

In the meantime, let me know what you thought about this episode– which attraction style do you most identify with? Drop me a comment here or tag me on Instagram @terricole, cause ya nosy friend wants to know! 

I hope you have an amazing week focusing on YOU, and as always take care of you.

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  1. Hi Terri,
    In my latest 18 month relationship with Adam, I am a striver and he is self-centered. On one hand he is very generous with me, but he really likes things his way. He is also prone to jealousy. I can’t mention another male, without him getting in a snit about it. I now don’t mention male friends, past relationships, nor my hairstylist because he’s accused me of rubbing them in his face. We do communicate well and he is very attractive to me. I am a Leo, he is an Aries fireball. We do love each other. I know from his past, his girlfriends tended to be conflict avoidant, dishonest, doormat types. I speak up and am direct with him. Our relationship is good 95% of the time.

    1. Hi Yvonne,
      Thank you so much for sharing and for being here ❤️ It sounds like you’re building a lot of trust and understanding between each other. Communication is one of the most important parts of a relationship, and it sounds like you are both committed to that! ❤️

  2. I can see elements of the first 3 in different proportions in both my ex husbands. I had picked the first 2 for my 2nd ex until I read the striver. Disapproving, selfish, controlling and parental. Everything had to be done his way even to folding laundry. Of course they’re not like this in the beginning so I now understand I would have to be looking for this. One thing I have figured out I need to avoid is that they are the first born child with all that entails. Now I am an avoider, rather be alone than put myself thru that again.

    1. Hi Rufus,
      Thank you for sharing this and for being here. I’m holding space for you with so much compassion as you navigate these feelings and discover your attraction type. Understanding the behaviors that are no longer serving you is a great first step in changing them ❤️

  3. I most enjoy your sessions and teachings.
    I just find out what my attraction type is: I am definitely a striver. I am single now and very much want to find a new and fulfilling relationship.

    How do I change my attraction type? What steps do I need to take to find someone available emotionally and who will put our relationship first as opposed to work or friends?

    Your help and guidance are very much appreciated. Thank you so so much!!

    1. Hi Corinne,
      I’m so glad this resonated for you! Once you understand your attraction type, it’s easier to spot your behaviors and thought processes around this to try to adjust them to better suit what you want. When you are seeking out a new relationship, what kind of traits do you typically look for? Moving your subconscious attraction style to your consciousness will help you to see these patterns and help to adjust them!

  4. I think I’m a Striver-Soloist. I think I’ve (uh-oh here come the tears lol)… I think I’m just so so tired of being rejected by others that I’ve given up. 🙁 In everything. My career, love… It just hurts so much all the time and I can’t do it anymore.

    1. Hi Teresa,
      I’m holding space for you with so much compassion. Keep working at your own boundaries and developing your self-love. I’ll be cheering you on along the way. ❤️❤️

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