It’s a thin line between LOVE and HATE ~ Poindexter Brothers via @Terri_Cole {CLICK TO TWEET}

Have you ever noticed that the person you love the most can also enrage you the most?

Love and hate are two of the most intense emotional states humans can experience. Although they seem diametrically opposed, in reality they have much in common. Love and hate can be seemingly irrational and can lead to heroic and some pretty diabolical deeds. Both can also be all consuming. You probably know (or are related to) a couple who hate each other with such a passion that the divorce proceedings drag on for years. They are pouring as much energy into the now defunct relationship as they did when still coupled which keeps them fiercely connected to each other.

The thin line between these two emotions is not just observable in a social context. According to a recent scientific study, love and hate are intimately linked within the human brain. While studying the physical nature of hate, the scientists discovered that some of the nervous circuits in the brain responsible for hate are the same as those that are used while experiencing the feeling of romantic love. This study creates a new understanding of the quick flip from love to hate after a heartbreak, for many people.

So why is it important to handle your emotions so you don’t waste the rest of your life re-telling the atrocious story of so and so? Because when you can’t stop hating on your Ex, you are not emotionally separated from them. Unconsciously, hating maintains the connection, sometimes referred to as a negative energetic cord. Properly honoring and processing the experience may feel too threatening, as if doing so means it is really over. But not doing it keeps you stuck in love purgatory; you can’t have them and you are unavailable to explore possibilities with other suitors.

HATE is binding. RELEASE Yourself – @Terri_Cole {CLICK TO TWEET}

Passionately HATING your ex Keeps YOU in LOVE Purgatory – @Terri_Cole {CLICK TO TWEET}

When a relationship ends there is an emotional healing process that needs to take place. Getting through and then over a breakup is painful and requires grieving what it actually was AND what you hoped it would be. Even if you know you are better off, you will feel the absence of the other. For many people, the prospect of facing the void left by a partner is too frightening so they unconsciously use hate as a way to stay connected and not move on.

Being alone can be a scary prospect, especially if it is a long term relationship that is ending. But being in a bad, abusive or simply not right for you relationship until the end of time because you are afraid to be alone, is scarier still. (According to moi.)

How to handle a break up in the era of Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc.?

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.”
― Rumi

In my experience in my own life, and with clients, time and love heals all wounds. You decide what your take away is from the relationship. There are gems of self illumination in every experience but if you are intent on keeping the blame game going by harbouring hate for your ex, you will never learn what you were meant to learn from the experience. You can’t be a victim and self determined at the same time. Self determination will liberate you.

If you are going through or have gone through a breakup that still weighs heavy on your heart I encourage you do so some exploration. Focus on the bad AND the good. What went right; what went wrong? Where can YOU do better next time. Get curious about how your ‘hate’ may be serving you. Most importantly identify and honor your feelings.

Drop a comment or question below, have a great week and remember to take care of you.

Love Love Love




*image courtesy of Patrícia Lobo

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  1. Het terri
    Dont why i ceme to this but for some reason i feel so trapped with love and hate because i have someone in my life dat reminds me of some one else dat really heart me bad but at the same time i like. Told hime we aint frieds but yet he calls me his wife. Confused me too jus dont make sense.. Please help me honey im at my wits end

    1. I think you have to get clear for yourself about how you feel about the current person and not transfer what the old person did onto them. I’m not sure why you told him you’re not friends – just remember you decide who gets the privilege of being in your life.

  2. Hi Terri, thank you so much for this topic, it is such a hard idea to master. My situation is not about a romantic relationship but my relationship with my sister. My sister was diagnosed many years ago as having antisocial behavior and she did many, many things that hurt other people. I have had a love/hate relationship with her my whole life. The only reason I include the word love in there is because she was my sister. I am still hearing about lies that she told about things I did or said and I have several family members who I loved dearly who will not speak to me anymore based on what they were told by my sister. My sister died almost 4 years ago and the anger is still burning inside me and I am struggling to let it go. I do not want to go through the rest of my life with this anger and it is to late to “make it right” with her, so it is all up to me dealing with my feelings and getting past this. This topic spoke to me and I realize now that maybe the reason I am holding on to the anger is that I don’t want to let go of the dream of having a loving sister relationship with her. Thank you for your guidance, I think that you have opened the door for me to healing.

    1. Wow Cyndi, this is a very powerful story and you’re insights seem spot on. Keep forgiving, keep sending her love and keep on your path of healing. xoxo

  3. Its great to hear u teri.absolute truth u r speaking.when there is wound…..healing automaticallytakes place……and even the serenity happens asthe day passes……..which explains u r liberated……that is again something divine which i would like to share with u

  4. Thanks so much for this Terri. I am not there now but I have been, oh so many times – and maybe I will in the future so it is VERY useful to know.

  5. This speaks to me so loudly after the most painful, heart wrenching separation after 20 years. Hate is not what is consuming me the most, is how to deal with the void and reconstruction and the loss of my dreams. I am choosing to get as far emotionally as I can, dealing with avoidance which is not the best option since we have 3 kids and facing difficult custody battle as well as money battles. any advice out there to deal with all this mess in a constructive way ? I ned to stick my head out of the sand and face this difficult situation. not sure I am fully ready for it…

    1. Hi Nathalie,
      You are very insightful to know that what you really need to do is mourn your dream of what you hoped it would or could have been. You are right to say that avoiding what needs to get done won’t get it done but also be kind and gentle with yourself. Healing takes time and effort. Seek the help of a good therapist who has experience with divorce and separation issues. Having someone to listen and support you on a weekly basis, who also has the skills to potentially give practical advice will lighten your load. I believe you are divinely guided and protected so ask your spiritual guides, angels or God for strength, protection and guidance. It will come. Life has a sometimes confusing but always amazing way of working out for your greatest good if you don’t give up. So stay focused on yourself and your children and on your own actions staying mindful to keep your side of the street clean, no matter how muddy the situation may become. Sending you big love – Terri

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