Have you ever noticed that the person you love the most can also enrage you the most?
Love and hate are two of the most intense emotional states humans can experience. Although they seem diametrically opposed, in reality they have much in common. Love and hate can be seemingly irrational and can lead to heroic and some pretty diabolical deeds. Both can also be all consuming. You probably know (or are related to) a couple who hate each other with such a passion that the divorce proceedings drag on for years. They are pouring as much energy into the now defunct relationship as they did when still coupled which keeps them fiercely connected to each other.
The thin line between these two emotions is not just observable in a social context. According to a recent scientific study, love and hate are intimately linked within the human brain. While studying the physical nature of hate, the scientists discovered that some of the nervous circuits in the brain responsible for hate are the same as those that are used while experiencing the feeling of romantic love. This study creates a new understanding of the quick flip from love to hate after a heartbreak, for many people.
So why is it important to handle your emotions so you don’t waste the rest of your life re-telling the atrocious story of so and so? Because when you can’t stop hating on your Ex, you are not emotionally separated from them. Unconsciously, hating maintains the connection, sometimes referred to as a negative energetic cord. Properly honoring and processing the experience may feel too threatening, as if doing so means it is really over. But not doing it keeps you stuck in love purgatory; you can’t have them and you are unavailable to explore possibilities with other suitors.
When a relationship ends there is an emotional healing process that needs to take place. Getting through and then over a breakup is painful and requires grieving what it actually was AND what you hoped it would be. Even if you know you are better off, you will feel the absence of the other. For many people, the prospect of facing the void left by a partner is too frightening so they unconsciously use hate as a way to stay connected and not move on.
Being alone can be a scary prospect, especially if it is a long term relationship that is ending. But being in a bad, abusive or simply not right for you relationship until the end of time because you are afraid to be alone, is scarier still. (According to moi.)
“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.”
In my experience in my own life, and with clients, time and love heals all wounds. You decide what your take away is from the relationship. There are gems of self illumination in every experience but if you are intent on keeping the blame game going by harbouring hate for your ex, you will never learn what you were meant to learn from the experience. You can’t be a victim and self determined at the same time. Self determination will liberate you.
If you are going through or have gone through a breakup that still weighs heavy on your heart I encourage you do so some exploration. Focus on the bad AND the good. What went right; what went wrong? Where can YOU do better next time. Get curious about how your ‘hate’ may be serving you. Most importantly identify and honor your feelings.
Drop a comment or question below, have a great week and remember to take care of you.
Love Love Love
*image courtesy of Patrícia Lobo