A lot of what gets called “setting a boundary” out on the internet and in real life isn’t a boundary at all.
Boundaries are not punishment.

They are not a lever for controlling other people.

They are not what you do when someone makes you mad.

I wrote a whole book about this called Boundary Boss, and the definition is simple. Your boundaries are your preferences, your desires, your limits, and your deal breakers, plus your ability to communicate them. That is the whole thing.

Misnaming a boundary does not just sound wrong; it makes the work harder. When you call a threat a boundary, communication has become confusing, and you may keep fighting about the same things on a loop.

Here are the five most common boundary impostors.

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

The Ultimatum

“If you do this, I’ll leave.” It is aimed at controlling the other person, and it only works if they comply. That is how you know it is not a boundary.

I had a client who married someone in recovery. They were both in recovery, and staying clean and sober together was part of their vows. During the pandemic, her husband relapsed. This was a real betrayal for her. But instead of saying, “If you don’t quit, I’ll leave,” she shared her deal breaker. She said, “I will help you get back on the wagon to the best of my ability, but if you don’t regain your sobriety, I will have to end the marriage.”

For some people, that may sound like splitting hairs. It is not. She was only talking about herself and what she would do, not punishing him or demanding he comply. Sometimes we do have deal breakers, and we need to know what we will and won’t tolerate. That is what makes it a boundary instead of an ultimatum.

The Silent Treatment and the Over-Explanation

Two more impostors work at opposite ends of the same problem. The silent treatment withdraws in anger and lets the silence say what we will not. It is punishment, not communication, and what it really says is, “If I don’t like what you do, I will take away my love and attention.” A real boundary tells on itself instead: “I’m so mad right now, I feel like giving you the silent treatment, but I’m not going to. I need a little time. Can we talk tonight after seven?”

The over-explanation goes the other way. You set a limit, then send fourteen paragraphs justifying it. The justification tells the other person you do not believe you have a right to the limit, because if you did, you would not need to convince them. There is a difference between context and convincing. “I would love to come, but I have an 8 am presentation, so I can’t stay out late Wednesday” is communication, not justification. The happy medium lives between fourteen paragraphs and “no is a complete sentence.”

The Preemptive Cancellation

This is bailing before you have to say no. You know the person is going to ask, so you get ahead of it. “I already have something.” It is a way to avoid the conversation entirely, and avoidance is not the same as a boundary, because you are not communicating anything.

Becoming a boundary boss means truly believing it is okay to say no. Every time you say yes when you want to say no, you are prioritizing someone else’s wants over your own and telling yourself that how you feel matters less.

I was at a beautiful professional event in Brooklyn recently. There was a final-night gathering, and I wanted to go. But I had been in the city since Tuesday, I live three hours north, and I was living out of a suitcase between hotels and friends’ houses. I knew my limit. I told my friend who organized it, “I’m sorry, I’m bowing out early, I’ve got to go home.” And they went on. We feel so much pressure around our boundaries, like if I leave, I’ll ruin the night for everyone. We are overestimating our own importance. Nobody cared. I was exhausted and needed to go home, so I honored that.

To be fluent in the language of boundaries, you have to believe that what you think, how you feel, and what you want is important. As women, many of us were taught that prioritizing ourselves is selfish. It really isn’t. And this does not mean we will never compromise, because of course we will. It means your own approval of how you are living has to matter more than pleasing other people. You can find more scripts in the guide for this episode.

“I Need Space”

This one sounds reasonable, but a vague, open-ended “I need space” with no return plan is not a stated preference or limit. It is too broad, and it rejects the other person without telling the truth about what you actually need.

Here is the same need as a real boundary. “I need more time at my own apartment during the week. Instead of coming over Monday through Thursday, I want to make it Tuesday through Thursday. How do you feel about that?” Now you have a real conversation, where each person talks about their needs, and you can work toward a resolution. Maybe you really do need Mondays, and that is okay. Lobbing an “I need space” Molotov cocktail and walking off isn’t a boundary because the other person has a right to know what it means.

What Real Boundaries Sound Like

Real boundaries are you knowing your preferences, desires, limits, and deal breakers, and communicating them when you choose to. Do not minimize your preferences. They are the things that make up who you are.

Most of the impostors mentioned here are about control, and a lot of them are about avoiding ourselves. A real boundary does not require the other person’s compliance. It would be nice if they complied, but if they do not, you will still do what you need to do. The moment you find yourself pointing at the other person, you may be stumbling into imposter territory.

If you have not read Boundary Boss, I wrote an entire book on this with loads of scripts. You can find the book, the audiobook, and the guide for this episode at terricole.com/guide. Becoming fluent is a gift you can give yourself.

As always, take care of you.

Terri Cole Answers Your FAQs From The Week’s Blog

What actually counts as a boundary?

A boundary is made up of your preferences, your desires, your limits, and your deal breakers, plus your ability to communicate them. That is the whole definition. A real boundary is about what you will do, stated clearly. It is not about controlling the other person or getting them to comply.

Is a deal breaker the same as an ultimatum?

They can look similar from the outside, but they are different. An ultimatum is aimed at controlling someone, and it only works if they comply. A deal breaker is you naming what you will and will not tolerate, and what you will do about it. “I will end the marriage if you don’t regain your sobriety” is about you. “Quit or I’ll leave” is about controlling them. The first is a boundary. The second is not.

Is “no is a complete sentence” good boundary advice?

Sometimes, and sometimes not. There is a real difference between providing context and over-explaining to convince someone you have a right to your limit. With people you love and want to be understood by, offering some context is communication, not justification. The happy medium lives between fourteen paragraphs and a flat no. Nuance matters more than the slogan.

What is wrong with telling someone I need space?

A vague, open-ended “I need space” with no return plan is too broad to be a real boundary, and it can land as rejection without telling the other person the truth about what you need. A real version is specific: “I need more time at my own apartment during the week, so let’s make it Tuesday through Thursday instead of Monday.” That gives the other person something real to respond to, and it opens a conversation instead of closing one.