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“To be fluent in the language of boundaries, you have to believe that what you think, how you feel, and what you want are important and then you have to take that one step further.” – Terri Cole

Intro

A lot of what gets called “setting a boundary” out on the internet and in real life isn’t a boundary at all. 

Boundaries are not punishment. 

They are not a lever for controlling other people. 

They are not what you do when someone makes you mad. 

I wrote a whole book about this called Boundary Boss, and the definition is simple. Your boundaries are your preferences, your desires, your limits, and your deal breakers, plus your ability to communicate them. That is the whole thing.

Misnaming a boundary does not just sound wrong; it makes the work harder. When you call a threat a boundary, communication has become confusing, and you may keep fighting about the same things on a loop. 

Here are the five most common boundary impostors

Highlights:

• 4:50 The ultimatum
• 7:20 Withdrawal as punishment
• 9:00 Over-explanating limits
• 12:00 Pre-emptive cancelations
• 17:00 Saying “I just need space.”

Links Mentioned:

Here is the guide to go along with today’s episode: https://www.terricole.com/five-things-that-sound-like-boundaries-but-are-not-guide

Join the Terri Cole Membership at https://www.terricole.com/tcm/ to find a soft place to land in a hard world– Somewhere to share accountability and community to improve your mental health while you live your everyday life.

Here are some ways I can support you:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits and bringing more satisfaction, joy and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

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