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“The more internal space you create, the easier it is to catch yourself when you’re falling into a pattern of codependent anticipation— to say to yourself, ‘oh my god, look how much internal bandwidth I am giving to this thing that is supposed to be fun.’” – Terri Cole



Are you stressed out of your mind from anticipating all of the needs of all of the people, all of the time? Or do you go out of your way to indulge a particularly difficult family member so that they don’t explode and ruin the family gathering? If you find that you are always anticipating the needs of others, I might be able to help. In this episode, I’m breaking down what I call codependent anticipation and giving you some steps that you can take to stick to your side of the street a little bit more and stress a little bit less.


  • 05:16 How to recognize codependent anticipation
  • 07:14 How codependent anticipation is different from auto-accommodating
  • 09:50 Overlap between conflict avoidance and codependent anticipation
  • 10:16 Codependent anticipation motivates overfunctioning and over-doing
  • 12:02 Take an anxiety inventory to identify who provokes your codependent anticipation
  • 12:34 Prioritize your own feelings and desires
  • 13:28 Be discerning about how you spend your time and effort
  • 14:18 Institute a personal mindfulness practice

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Find the downloadable guide I created to accompany today’s episode here.

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  1. Thank you! I love the term “codependent anticipation” and you are so right that avoiding discomfort or conflict is the unconscious motivator (along with seeking approval and validation for me!). Can you do a podcast on why we are conflict avoidant and tools for not fearing conflict as well as how to cope with the backlash when we stop the codependent anticipation?

  2. Dear Terri,
    I can’t thank you enough for your wisdom and the amount of access to free useful tool that you have developed so that we can help ourselves to grow into healthier emotional humans. You are truly making my world and the whole world a better place. Many blessing to you!!!

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