When you make a request that is denied, do you say “ok” and walk away hurt or withdrawn in anger, or do you petition for what you want?
If you regularly just give up and allow your ego response to being rejected (Ouch!) to dictate your actions, you take on the disempowering role of victim in your relationships. Being a communication victim is painful, frustrating, and, most importantly, ineffective.
The first step to getting what you want is to learn to speak assertively, while honoring yourself and others.
Four Strategies to Speak Assertively & Negotiate Effectively
1. Use “I” Statements
Avoid using “you” statements that distance you from your feelings and imply blame. Instead, use statements that begin with “I would like…”
2. Consciously Take Responsibility for What You Want
You do not need anyone’s approval for what you want. Remember, this is your desire you are talking about. Avoid adding qualifying statements to your requests (e.g. “You’ll probably think this is crazy, but…”). Also, reduce tag questions (e.g. “Does that make sense?” “Is that okay?”).
3. Be Specific
If you are seeking more time with your spouse, say, “I have a simple request that we make Tuesday night date night so we can spend more quality time together.” not, “We never go out anymore. Would it kill you to make a plan?”(See how that is likely to NOT get you what you want?)
4. Stop Writing a Script
When your request gets turned down, do you write a script about the real reason the person said no? It is so much more effective to ask instead of speculating. 99% of the time you will be wrong (because you are most likely projecting your deepest fear onto the why) and asking will build your negotiating skill set and creates authentic space for problem solving.
Learning to be a better negotiator for yourself has far greater implications than more satisfaction in your life. The increase in self-esteem/self-confidence that comes from being brave enough to speak up can be a game changer in all areas of your life.
I hope you have an amazing week, negotiating for what you need, and, as always, take care of you.
Love Love Love