TRIGGER WARNING: This episode/blog contains a story about (gun) violence which may be triggering to survivors.

Many years ago, my husband and I were held up at gunpoint.

I have mentioned it before, but I have never shared the full story because it was traumatic.

When one of you asked me to share this experience, how it impacted my life, and how I recovered from it, I thought it might be time to share.

By sharing my story of trauma and recovery, I hope to help others who have experienced a traumatic event.

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

One Summer Night In 1998…

Vic (my husband), a friend, and I were in our backyard in Elizabeth, NJ. We were about to drive our friend back to Manhattan, and I ran to the bathroom before we left.

The bathroom was near the back entrance of the house, and since it was summer, the window was open.

Suddenly, Vic called my name in a tone I had never heard him use.

It made the hair on the back of my neck stand up.

Vic is a very patient Pisces. He knew exactly where I was and what I was doing, so why was he calling me?

“I’ll be right out, I’m just washing my hands!” I yelled out the window.

No response.

I retraced my steps and opened the back door. The only light was coming from the car’s headlights, and I couldn’t make out a lot of details.

I slowly walked across the porch, trying to make sense of what might be going on.

That was when I saw a hulking figure with a white tank top kneeling on Vic’s back, pointing a gun at the back of his head.

I immediately knew we were in grave danger, and I was terrified.

Vic spoke. “He wants what you have in your pocket.”

“No problem,” I replied, and a few things clicked into place.

I had $6,000 in my pocket because I had just come from a “Money Tree” investment group meeting in Newark, NJ. (They were all the rage in the ‘90s.) It was like an MLM: you put in money, bring other people to put in money, and when you reach the top, you get to cash out. It was sketchy as shit, but it wasn’t illegal.

This massive guy probably saw me receive the cash and followed me home.

__________

I make myself walk toward him. I am afraid to look at him.

As I get closer, I notice a stocking covering his face. It was chilling.

No one wearing a stocking on their face to disguise their features has good intentions.

This realization takes me out of my body. I float above the scene, completely dissociated.

My mind is trying to protect me from the unthinkable: I might lose Vic.

We had gotten together less than a year ago. We had just gotten engaged. Not long ago, I thought marriage wasn’t for me. I had a great career, amazing friends, and a fulfilling life– I didn’t need a husband.

Then I met Vic and fell madly, deeply in love. He was my person.

And now, one wrong move and it could all disappear.

As all of this runs through my head, I walk toward this man who is pointing a gun at the person I love most in the world. I am terrified but feel like I am watching it happen to someone else.

Words come out of my mouth without thought. “It’s cool, it’s all good. There are no problems.”

Finally, I hand the money off, and the guy jumps up and runs down the driveway.

A car is waiting for him, and he leaves.

Vic’s Perspective

After I went to the bathroom, Vic saw someone walking up the driveway. At first, he thought it might be one of the boys (they were teenagers at the time) or their friends.

But then he saw a red light coming from a gun.

Vic and our friend immediately threw their wallets at the guy.

He said, “I don’t want that. I want what she has.”

Vic freaked out. He had no idea what this guy was referring to. He didn’t know I had come from a meeting and had $6,000 on me.

Vic and our friend were turned toward the back entrance of the house. The gun was in Vic’s back, and driven by fear, he tried wrestling it away.

“Do you want me to f’ing kill you?”

The gunman pushed Vic to the ground, which is where I saw him.

The Aftermath

Once the guy left and the car drove off, we were in shock.

Grateful to be alive, we called the police, but there was nothing they could do. They didn’t believe they had any hope of finding the guy.

Emotionally, it was painful. I had so much shame because it felt like my greed had brought danger to the people I love the most.

Our youngest son was in the house on the third floor. The “what ifs?” tortured me for months.

I had a lot to work out in therapy, but I could not do any of it until I worked out the actual trauma piece.

Inside the guide, I have listed resources to help with your own traumatic recovery. These are the same resources I found helpful in my journey.

Traumatic Experiences

Traumatic reactions to traumatic experiences are normal.

However if your symptoms do not begin to get better within a few months, you may be experiencing post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Here are the symptoms I experienced:

• Initial gratitude I lived through it and no one died.
• Intrusive memories. I was tortured by the image of this guy kneeling on Vic’s back, along with the realization everything I never thought I’d have could be taken away in a split second.
• Lack of sleep. I had terrible dreams where I could not do anything about the situation and everything played out in slow motion.
• Exaggerated startle response.
• Never felt safe.

I thought our pitbull mix, Jessie, would help me feel safe, but she didn’t. (It wasn’t helped by the fact she was completely disinterested in being a guard dog. If someone came to the house, she was like, “Got any treats, friend?” 🤣)

I thought having a knife next to the bed would make me feel safe, but it didn’t.

Vic even installed a massive alarm system in the house. There was a “panic” button behind the bed. One push and the police would come.

I still didn’t feel safe.

Here’s the thing: none of those things made me feel safe because the fear was living in my mind.

I had to address the fear. I had to talk about it in therapy, do EMDR, and work with a trauma therapist.

None of this was easy, and my world became smaller. I was worried something would happen to Vic, and I was afraid to be home alone.

Before this traumatic experience, I was what we call counterphobic. If I was afraid of heights, I took up the trapeze to get over it. I hadn’t been a fearful person, and being this afraid pissed me off!

Through the therapeutic process of talking about it, of not letting the trauma stay frozen in my mind and my body (which it can), and doing energy work, my symptoms slowly began to subside.

Talking about it consistently helped the most, as did learning that traumatic responses can last from a few days to more than 6 months.

To this day, even with all the work I did, I still have an exaggerated startle response. I know people are not sneaking up on me, but I get startled more easily than I did before we were held up at gunpoint.

This experience has been woven into the tapestry of my life. I would not change it because I came out of it with so much gratitude. I am beyond grateful for the beautiful life and family Vic and I have. We have been together 25 years now and have seven grandbabies. 💕

This experience forced me to imagine my life without Vic, even though I did not want to. As a result, I never take our health for granted – partly because I am a cancer survivor and partly because being held up at gunpoint makes you realize it could all go away in an instant.

I try to live every moment every day like it could be our last. If it was, would I have this petty fight? Would I hold a grudge? Would I go to bed mad?

No, I would not. I do not do those things because we have power over them.

If you have had any traumatic, dramatic, violent experiences like what I shared with you, you’ll find trauma-related resources right here in the guide. These are things I found helpful on my journey, and I hope they help you.

Thank you to the person who, on an Instagram Live, asked me to do this episode. I hope my sharing of this experience has helped you in some way. Let me know if it did: drop a comment below or find me on Instagram (@terricole).

Have a beautiful week and as always, take care of you.