Do you reluctantly agree to things you’d rather not do because you don’t know how to say no?

When you’re annoyed about something, do you say everything is FINE rather than saying what’s bothering you?

Do you also tend to judge someone if they don’t pick up on how you really feel?

In these situations, there’s an expectation that people will intuit our true emotions from the clues we drop.

However, relying on indirect communication can cause stress and resentment in our relationships because how we feel isn’t always apparent to others, even if we feel like it is.

The solution is authentic and direct communication, which is usually less comfortable, and why we often act rather than talk things out!

I want to empower you to choose to talk and assert your needs, which is what this episode is about. I’ll cover why we find it hard to speak our minds, why we may find it easier to judge and blame others, and ideas for being more authentic in our communication

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

Why Are We Afraid to Speak Up?

Before we get into how to speak up, let’s cover why we don’t.

One of the most common reasons is fear of rejection. From a physiological and biological perspective, this fear is visceral and real.

Back in the cave people days, being kicked out of your group likely meant death. Avoiding rejection meant survival, and our fear of it makes sense- it’s baked into being human.

Being afraid to speak up can also be a result of learned behavior.

If you come from a long line of people-pleasers, or if keeping the peace is what you saw in your family of origin, you may have learned it was impolite to assert yourself.

How many of you heard, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”? ✋ We may not say no to someone because it doesn’t seem nice. Our home training can run deep.

In addition to family norms, societal and cultural norms also influence us.

For example, in the southern United States, the saying “bless his heart” is shorthand for “he’s an idiot” or “she’s a mess.”

This shorthand allows people to avoid talking true and saying what they actually mean.

Another reason we avoid speaking up is because we don’t want to be judged, especially as high-functioning codependents or people-pleasers. We don’t want to appear selfish, greedy, or pushy.

The Problem With Not Saying What You Mean

Speaking truthfully is the only way to create the life and relationships you want and deserve. It’s the only way for those you love to know you authentically.

Not saying what you really mean, agreeing to things you don’t want to do, or not setting limits creates unclear expectations in your relationships on both sides.

If you’re doing something you don’t want to do and then feel resentful, the other person may be confused about why because you agreed to it! We can’t expect people to read our minds.

Where Do You Feel Resentful?

Setting healthy boundaries is foundational for talking true, but first, we need to understand where we’re not speaking up.

To quickly figure out where you may need to set boundaries or assert yourself, take a resentment inventory, which is in the guide (download it here).

By answering these questions, you’ll become more aware of where you’re self-abandoning in relationships and can course correct.

Of course, we can still compromise. But we need to be mindful about when we do it, rather than it being automatic.

This is especially true if you’re a high-functioning codependent. Even when you’re in recovery, you may still feel an urge for all people to like you and act accordingly.

Becoming Aware of Positive Projection Helps

Positive projection is when we project our positive qualities onto other people, even though we don’t necessarily know or have proof that they possess them.

As high-functioning codependents, we’re adept at spotting and solving problems. We may think problems and solutions are as evident to others as they are to us and feel resentful when no one else notices.

We need to give people a chance to let us know who they are. And when they show us, we need to believe them- not continue to assume they’re like us.

When Judging and Assuming Is Easier

Let’s say you come home from work visibly exhausted, and your partner asks, “What are you thinking about for dinner?” as if it’s on you.

In your mind, you may think, “Isn’t it obvious I’m tired?” You want them to intuit your exhaustion because it’s easier than speaking up.

Depending on the relationship, the fix could be as simple as saying, “You know what, babe, I’ve had a long day at work. Can you please figure out dinner?”

But for high-functioning codependents, judging others and making assumptions about their behavior is easier, faster, and more comfortable.

Let’s look at another example: the friend who keeps you on the phone forever, no matter what you say.

You might think their behavior is rude. “I told them I had to go! Why are they continuing to talk as if I said nothing?”

That’s the wrong question because it keeps us stuck in inaction.

Their reasons are their side of the street. You need to focus on what you can do.

When I’m in this situation with a friend, I say, “Okay, I’m hanging up, I’ll talk to you soon!” and follow through.

I couldn’t do this 25 years ago when I was actively codependent. Instead, I’d seethe, thinking, How self-absorbed are they?! (Jumping to judgment.)

As high-functioning codependents, we’re constantly approving, disapproving, and judging. It creates an illusion of control, which doesn’t help us. (I talk more about this concept, called yum-yucking, in my book, Too Much: A Guide to Breaking the Cycle of High-Functioning Codependency.)

If you can relate, I invite you to speak up rather than judge or assume that people can read your mind.

Steps to Start Talking True

The first step to shifting from expecting people to read your mind and not speaking up is looking at your 50% of the frustration.

As you review the resentment inventory in the guide, look at your half of the equation and what you’re responsible for.

In the scenario where someone comes home exhausted from work and their partner asks about dinner, they need to ask for what they need and assert their desire. Speaking up allows their partner to step up.

Asking for what you need may seem scary, and you may not even know how to voice it. I’ve included scripts in the guide to help you. My favorite sentence starter is, “I’d like to make a simple request,” because it’s a simple way to broach the topic.

It’s also important to practice saying and setting your boundaries out loud before having the conversation. You can practice in the mirror or with a trusted friend.

Setting boundaries or asking for what we need for the first time often elicits strong emotions. Getting the words in your body beforehand discharges emotions so you’re not overwhelmed by them.

You may have to have these conversations more than once, too. If so, you can say, “Hey, remember our conversation about this last week? That still holds.”

Only you get to decide when enough is enough. It may be that someone is unwilling or incapable of caring about how you feel, in which case, you have other decisions to make. But we can’t know where we stand with people unless we clearly communicate what we want or how we feel with them.

When our needs aren’t met, it can be easy to assume the person doesn’t care, isn’t into you, or doesn’t value you. Often, the reality is they’re simply unaware or can’t read the room.

Addressing the Fear of Speaking Up

Feeling afraid of speaking up is natural and understandable- again, it’s baked into us.

However, we need to recognize that someone in the Parent Teacher Organization group not liking us isn’t life-threatening.

The easiest way to begin talking true is with low-priority relationships or people you interact with regularly, like waiters, baristas, or cashiers.

It’s also helpful to examine your fear. Does the level of your fear match the reality of the situation?

A lot of times, the little kid in you is the one with the amplified fear. Talking to the little kid, journaling, and having self-compassion can accelerate your healing.

Another accelerator for your healing could be my new membership! If you enjoy my content or how I answer questions, I host four Q&A calls for members each month. I also just added a special call for those in the healing arts as there’s an added layer of pressure in those professions and I want to offer more specialized support. And in the membership, you also get access to my four signature courses. You can get all the details and join here.

I hope this episode gave you some ideas for how you can begin speaking up and being authentically known in your relationships. If it did, let me know in the comments or on Instagram!

Have an amazing week and as always, take care of you.