Covert manipulation and guilt can be very sneaky. In order to avoid being manipulated we have to be aware of the covert manipulation tactics. Really, manipulation can go hand and hand with guilt.
On this episode, I talk about how to recognize these manipulation tactics and reclaim your power. I talk about how flattery, blaming, shaming, and guilt, can be used as manipulation tactics. I also explain what gaslighting is and how to reinforce positive behaviors and more.
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“In every relationship money is never just money.” – Terri Cole
Show Notes:
- The harm of guilting
- Blaming as a manipulation tactic
- How fake self-blaming can be a form of manipulation
- What manipulators desire
- What the blame shame guilty tactic is
- The harm of lying
- What is gaslighting
- How to reinforce positive behaviors
“They are responsible for their side of the street and you are responsible for your side of the street.” – Terri Cole
Links Mentioned:
“Someone who is covertly manipulating you, or attempting to, they are trying to get their own needs met, but in a way that is dysfunctional.” – Terri Cole
Hello! I have your book and I love it. All your teachings have helped me realize I was covertly being controlled and manipulated subtly. Like the little put downs and the digs about how I am. Stalking my social media and asking about who my friends are online. Insinuating I was not trustworthy because some is his things were put away while I was cleaning. Asking me who I was hiding things from. I’d love more on examples of the little things people do to control and manipulate. I still question what really was going on.
Thanks for the comment, Lisa. In my book, Boundary Boss I have an entire chapter that outlines the many manipulation tactics of “Boundary Destroyers” which I think might answer your question. You can get it at boundarybossbook.com 💕
Hey Terri! Thank you for this episode it was very helpful (as usual) i cannot thank you enough for your helpful podcast that got me through a lot. You can say it’s my highlight of the week. I just wanted to know what is the right positive action to take when im aware that im being manipulated particularly by friends. Should i consider leaving or is there anyway to work through it?
Hi Shahed,
Thank you for sharing and for being here! I think it would depend on your situation. I would take time to ask yourself some reflective questions about their intentions. Also, have you spoken to your friends about these feelings of not having enough agency in the friendship? Ultimately, you may want to leave the friendship if you think the manipulation will continue and if you believe you can’t work through it with them. I’m holding space for you with so much compassion as you navigate this. ❤️
Hi Terri, I have discovered through my previous romantic relationship (which ended almost two years ago), that all my relationships have had a lot of elements of manipulation and I have also realised that these patterns come from my childhood, my parents both (still are but we don’t live in the same country and have not much of a relationship) used manipulation, guilt and shame on me and my sister and I was the compliant one. Once I opened my eyes to all this it was shocking and painful, however I have worked through a lot of that, however I feel like that will always impact my romantic life and I feel scared of giving space in my life to being in a romantic relationship and finding myself in the same sort of dynamic again.
Hi Yadira,
Thank you for sharing this and for being here with us. It sounds like you have done a lot of work on covert manipulation and you’re aware that this is something that was very present in your past relationships. The most important step is realization, so you’re doing great! I understand the fear you have of this situation being re-created, but it sounds like you are very aware and conscious of this issue and can start to identify the signs if it starts happening again. Keep in mind that if someone is giving signs of manipulation, they may not be aware. Being open and honest about your feelings in any new relationship (i.e. “I felt controlled in that situation.”) will help you and the person you’re with to avoid repeating bad patterns. I’m holding space for you with compassion, Yadira and I hope you’re able to continue to keep yourself open to love ❤️