I am obsessed with emotional intelligence. It is something I have always done naturally without knowing what it was called.
Emotional intelligence, or EQ, measures your capacity to understand, perceive, and manage emotions, your own and other people’s.
While IQ measures cognitive and logical ability, EQ measures your capacity for interpersonal success. Higher emotional intelligence is linked to better stress management, more satisfying relationships, and greater leadership potential at work.
The eight traits below are how higher EQ shows up in real life, and they are all skills you can practice to raise yours at any age.
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1. They Name Their Feelings With Precision
People with high EQ do not just say “I feel bad” or “I feel stressed.” They can tell the difference between resentful and disappointed, between anxious and overwhelmed, between hurt and embarrassed.
The researcher Lisa Feldman Barrett at Northeastern University has spent decades studying how we construct emotion, and her work on emotional granularity shows something striking. People who describe their feelings with precision do not just communicate better. They regulate emotions more effectively, cope better with stress, drink less, and are less likely to retaliate when they are hurt. They also show stronger mental health outcomes overall.
If you only label feelings in broad strokes, your brain does not have much to work with. When you can say, “I feel rejected, and underneath that, I feel embarrassed,” your brain now has something specific to respond to.
Precision creates better options. Vagueness creates more reactivity. You cannot work with what you cannot name.
2. They Respond Instead of React
People with high EQ often pause before they speak or act. Even one breath makes a difference, because the pause is where emotional intelligence lives.
A knee-jerk reaction does not usually represent how you really feel. It is just a reaction.
This is why I started meditating decades ago. Through a dedicated practice, I gained a little bit of response time. Even five or ten minutes a day expands the gap between stimulus and response. You want that gap big enough to make a choice that actually reflects what you want.
3. They Can Sit With Discomfort
Low EQ does not mean a lack of feelings. It means a low threshold for tolerating upsetting feelings, and sometimes for tolerating positive ones too.
When anxiety, shame, or sadness becomes too much, we discharge it. That is the lashing out, the oversharing, the numbing, or the blaming.
Higher EQ means being able to feel something hard without immediately fixing or escaping it.
Try this. When an uncomfortable feeling shows up, set a timer for two minutes and just be with it. Do not analyze it. Do not solve it. Notice where it shows up in your body. This is the beginning of expanding what Harvard-trained psychiatrist, neuroscientist, and author Daniel Siegel calls your window of tolerance.
4. They Lead With Curiosity, Not Judgment
When someone is short with you or behaves badly, a lower-EQ response is to ask, “What is wrong with them?” A higher-EQ response is, “What is going on for them?”
That shift covers two skills at once. It is how you stay empathic with difficult people, and how you find the useful piece in feedback that lands harshly. You do not have to agree with someone to stay curious about them.
I was just talking about this with my Terri Cole Membership community. If I am at the register and the cashier is short or quiet, my first feeling might be a flicker of annoyance. But I do not need to act on it. Instead, I will ask, “How are you doing today?” and mean it. Sometimes they respond and tell me it has been a hard day. Sometimes they do not. Either way, the interaction is better than judging someone who is probably having a rough one.
5. They Can Read the Room
Beyond reading individuals, people with high EQ can sense group energy. You notice when a meeting has shifted, when a silence means something more than someone being quiet, when a micro-expression tells you what someone is not saying.
Many high-functioning codependents (HFCs) and people with mother or father wounds learned to read rooms early. It was survival. As an adult, the same attunement can become a real gift if you use it well, because you can be part of the solution in the room instead of part of the problem.
You will find practices for building this kind of attunement in the guide for this episode.
6. They Know How to Give Praise That Lands
People with high EQ can tell someone something true in a way they can actually receive. This is not flattery. It is a real acknowledgment, offered generously and specifically. If you have ever been on the receiving end of a compliment about something you did not think anyone saw, you know how good it feels. The giving side feels just as good.
7. They Know How to Repair
Rupture is part of being in a real relationship. What sets emotionally intelligent people apart is what happens afterward. Can you apologize without defensiveness? Can you own your part with real humility? Can you receive someone else’s apology generously when they own theirs? Can you let things go?
Letting go is a skill, and let me be clear about what I do not mean. I do not mean tolerating mistreatment or staying in an abusive situation. I mean understanding that people are human, that mistakes happen, and that holding on to resentment builds a prison you eventually end up locked inside of yourself. When both people can repair, you build relationships where it is safe to be honest, and that is one of the most important things a healthy relationship can offer.
8. They Have Boundaries That Are Not Walls
People with high EQ can protect themselves emotionally without shutting other people out. Their boundaries are clear, but they are also flexible. Firm enough to keep them safe, open enough to keep them connected. You can help someone generously without taking on their problems. You can stay warm and connected without becoming a doormat.
Healthy boundaries are what make all the other traits sustainable.
Having high emotional intelligence is aspirational and attainable. Pick the trait that feels most relevant to where you are right now and work on that one for a week. You will find exercises for several of the EQ traits in the guide for this episode.
As always, take care of you.
Terri Cole Answers Your FAQs From The Week’s Blog
What is the difference between IQ and EQ?
IQ measures cognitive and logical ability, the kind of intelligence that helps you solve problems and learn information. EQ, or emotional intelligence, measures your capacity to understand, perceive, and manage emotions, your own and other people’s. EQ is what predicts your interpersonal success: how well you handle stress, how strong your relationships are, and how effectively you lead. You can be very smart and still struggle with EQ, which is part of why this matters.
Can emotional intelligence really be learned?
Yes, and that is the most hopeful thing about it. None of it is fixed. Naming your feelings with precision, pausing before you react, sitting with hard emotions, reading a room, and repairing after rupture are all skills you can practice and grow at any age. Pick one trait that feels most relevant to where you are right now and work on that one for a week. Awareness comes first, and then change follows.
What is emotional granularity?
Emotional granularity is a concept from the researcher Lisa Feldman Barrett, and it refers to how precisely you can describe what you are feeling. People who can tell the difference between resentful and disappointed, or between anxious and overwhelmed, regulate their emotions more effectively, cope better with stress, and show stronger mental health outcomes overall. Your brain has more to work with when you can name a feeling specifically. Precision creates better options. Vagueness creates more reactivity.
What does it mean to have boundaries that are not walls?
Boundaries protect you. Walls shut other people out. People with high EQ have boundaries that are clear and also flexible. Firm enough to keep them safe, open enough to keep them connected. You can help someone generously without taking on their problems, and you can stay warm and connected without becoming a doormat. Healthy boundaries are what make the rest of emotional intelligence sustainable.