If you have been following me for a while, you know I have a good thing with my husband Vic. We just celebrated our 14th wedding anniversary, and it just gets better.
Many people remark that I am “lucky” to have such a happy marriage. Although I feel fortunate, I don’t chalk the good health of my marriage up to luck. A healthy relationship requires hard work, willingness to compromise, and insight into your own limiting ideas about love. Only then can you consciously attract the love you seek or keep it good once it shows up.
I invited my pal and love coach extraordinaire, Kavita Patel, to share her insight on attracting love into your life.
Kavita met her husband 14 years ago. And, like my own marriage, it wasn’t always smooth sailing. In one sentence, they went from break up, to make up, to marriage, to almost divorced, to now, where they are more in love than when they first met.
The key first step you must take is to acknowledge that how you view romantic love and your own lovability has everything to do with what you learned growing up. Every family has their own cultural norms around love and marriage. I call these belief systems “downloaded blueprints”—someone else designed them, perhaps generations ago, and they have been systematically reinforced for years, becoming your reality.
In order to understand the effect your downloaded LOVE blueprint is having on your romantic life, you must get conscious of what limiting beliefs your blueprint contains.
Take a Love Assessment
Below is a list of questions designed to illuminate your relationship patterns, self-regard, and limiting beliefs about love.
It is only possible to redraw the blueprint once you know what the original looks like.
- What was your family culture about love and marriage?
- Were your parents divorced?
- Who had the “power” in the relationship?
- As a child, did you feel loved and valued?
- How did your parents regard each other?
- What experiences from your own past romantic relationships impact your current blueprint?
- Was there verbal and/or physical affection in your home?
- Was there verbal and/or physical violence in your home?
- How many people in your family have good marriages?
- Was marriage held in high esteem in your childhood home?
- Were people free to express their feelings?
Allow yourself to take the time and space to think back to the way it was. By accessing the real memories, the blueprint you have been rocking will come into sharp focus. Once you have a clearer vision of your limiting beliefs, you can start to draw up a newly remodeled blueprint.
Create a Vibration of Love
Journal the kind of love you want to draw into your life—that newly remodeled blueprint. Explain in as much detail as possible how you want the relationship of your dreams to look and feel.
In order to draw the love you seek into your life, you must be able to visualize and feel the experience. Since we are all made up of energy, when you feel the love you want, your energetic vibration is raised. This higher vibration will draw like-love energy to you. The opposite is also true: If you stay in a place of feeling lack and focus on what you do not have, that vibration will draw more lack. So decide what you want to create and then make decisions in line with that goal.
Unresolved feelings and injuries from childhood impact our romantic pattern of behavior. We either act or talk them out, especially in romantic relationships. If your parents fought frequently or there was violence, you learned that love is painful.
Another important piece of the healthy love puzzle is self-love, because it is THE path to true love. Whom you draw into your life and how they treat you is influenced by how you treat and regard yourself. If you are your own worst critic or feel unworthy, you will inevitably draw people into your life who agree with your self assessment. Conversely, if you treat yourself with respect, love, and high regard, others will as well. People look to you to set the example of what you believe is acceptable behavior. Really think about how much you love yourself and how you treat yourself. Pay attention when you talk about yourself both to others and internally. Are you positive or negative? Are you constantly putting yourself down or are you kind and gentle?
When Hemal and I met, we were introduced through friends at a dinner party. At the dinner party, we were flirting and chatting, and I thought, “hmm…this guy has a lot of confidence, presence, and is super smart. I am into him.”
At the end of the night, I mustered up the confidence to ask him if he would walk me home, because I lived a couple blocks away. I squeaked the words out of my mouth, and he paused, saying he didn’t think it was a good idea to walk me home.
I was flabbergasted. Shocked, embarrassed, and rejected. I walked away slowly. But, that was the beginning of our relationship.
There were some crucial mindsets I had while we were dating that allowed me to have him chase me, eventually realizing I was the perfect match for him.
One of those mindsets was feeling free to express myself. I talked about my passions and honestly expressed my opinions. Not in an overbearing way, but in a way that allowed him to really get to know the authentic me.
Statistics show it takes 15 minutes to make an impression on a man, and that is exactly what I did without knowing it.
I call this the “Filter Faster Method”—by being yourself, the men that are inspired by the real you stick around, and the others bow out. Saving you time, effort, energy, and, potentially, frustration and pain.
Because I had taken a Love Assessment—understanding my blueprint and what I wanted—and was consciously treating myself the way I wanted a partner to treat me, I successfully used this Filter Faster Method with the men I met. I was able to express my authentic self in a few words because I was confident in what I was saying.
We want you to find the love you are meant to have. He’s out there! But first, you have to realize that you are empowered to be the architect of all of your love experiences. Not every man will want to be with you, nor will you want to be with any ol’ guy who crosses your path. It’s time to build the self-love and awareness that leads to the romantic love that thrills you. You are worth it. You deserve it. Now do the work to create it.
Share your love (and lust) thoughts and questions below. How about Kavita’s filter method? Are you courageous enough to show up that honestly in the first 15 minutes?
Love Love Love
Terri + Kavita