Is it hard for you to say “no” to your friends?

Do you people-please to avoid hurting them?

Are there decades-long friendships you’re afraid to lose, despite having outgrown them?

If you are nodding your head, this episode is for you. I am talking all about boundaries with friends: why some of us have misguided loyalty, the qualities of a good and healthy friendship, and how to raise your awareness around disordered behaviors in your friendships.

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

Why Setting Boundaries With Friends Is Hard

Many of you have told me you find setting boundaries with friends difficult. If you feel this way, you are not alone.

Here are some reasons why it can be harder to set boundaries with friends:

• Saying “no” to invitations is stressful
• You feel obligated to be there for friends
• Even when you manage to say “no,” you feel guilty
• You don’t want to upset or disappoint your friends
• It’s difficult to talk true with them
• You just want to keep the peace

Oftentimes, people-pleasing is at the heart of this.

Many of you said you feel like a chameleon in your friendships. When your friends do or say something you are uncomfortable with, you stay silent, either to avoid drama or because you do not know how to say what is in your heart.

There are three main ways I have seen this play out with my students and therapy clients.

Historical Handcuffs

“Historical handcuffs” are friendships you have had since childhood that you’ve outgrown and do not want to end.

Obligation often keeps us in these friendships, and in my opinion, we either need to learn to talk truthfully or move on.

Attempting to speak your truth allows you to see whether the friendship is flexible enough to change. You might assume it is not, but you won’t know until you try (as scary as it may be).

Maybe you have tried to talk true and the person isn’t receptive. Maybe you’ve grown in such different directions, you discover their beliefs go against your values.

That’s okay! Not all friendships last a lifetime. If you have changed and grown as a person, you may need to move on, mourn and grieve.

Lifecycles End

Lifecycles also impact our friendships.

Let’s say you are in a friend group where you are the only one without kids and do not want them.

You may find it uninteresting to sit around listening to people talk about feeding schedules and pooping. And if they are not interested in asking about your life, it can be very unsatisfying.

Even if you have kids, you may not stay friends with your group of “mommy friends” forever. As your kids age, you may drift apart or you may grow closer.

People can be in your life for a season of time for the support, the resonance, or the identification. It does not have to be a forever thing.

Other times, we may hit a fork in the road (different politics, values, beliefs, religions) where the friendship is no longer in alignment with who you are.

This is all okay and normal.

Frenemies

Many of you have complained about having frenemies – friends who, deep down, are not truly happy for you when good things happen in your life. They may get jealous and say something negative when something positive happens to you.

People who cannot be happy for you when good things happen to you are not healthy friends. You do not want these kinds of people in your life.

If you are not sure how to identify a frenemy, there is a friendship inventory inside the guide for this episode to gain clarity.

Raising Your Awareness Around Friendships

How do we make changes when it comes to boundaries and friendships?

It helps to raise your awareness around where you have the “disease to please.” (Dr. Harriet Braiker coined this term in the early 2000s with her book, Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome.)

People-pleasing is the foundation of these disordered boundaries and why it is difficult to be honest with your friends.

For the next 48 hours, I invite you to keep track of when you do the following:

1. Say “yes” when you want to say “no”
2. Prioritize everyone else’s needs above your own
3. Avoid conflict at all cost
4. Apologize when you’re not only not sorry, but when you are angry (using “sorry” as a social lubricant, like when someone bumps into you)

Being mindful of these behaviors begins the process of taking information from the basement of your unconscious mind and moving it into the main part of the house (your conscious mind). Only by doing this can you make changes.

When I was in my 20s, I had some friends who were so judgmental of my life, I was emotionally afraid of them. I was scared to tell them something if I thought they would disapprove. It was incredibly stressful.

If you can relate, remember: friendships are voluntary. This is why it’s important to get clear about who you invite into your one-of-a-kind, amazing life.

The friendship inventory will have you note down how you feel when you are around particular people- before, after, and while you spend time with them. This will help you identify the friendships that are draining or anxiety-provoking.

(This is all inside the guide, which you can download here.)

After you go through the friendship inventory, establish a VIP list that contains friendships with mutuality.

Qualities of a Good + Healthy Friendship

A good, healthy friendship with healthy boundaries is where you both support each other and listen without judgment.

Good friends are also not in competition with you. They revel in your success and joy.

Healthy friendships involve mutually helping each other out. It is not one-sided.

Good friendships also require truth. It means if your friend hurts your feelings, you can say, “I wanted to talk about what you said at dinner last week. Even though you said you were kidding, it has been with me ever since. It really hurt my feelings. I would like to make a simple request that you not make a snide comment like that again. If you have something to say to me, please talk to me directly.”

In a healthy relationship, your friend will not get defensive or tell you why you are wrong. Instead, they will care that they hurt your feelings, even if they don’t think they did anything wrong.

You do not always have to agree with each other, but a real friend always cares about how you feel.

A Note on Codependent Friendships

In very codependent friendships, you will see one person over-giving and one person who takes and takes.

Codependency by its very nature is uneven. In a codependent relationship, one person is overly invested in the feeling states, the outcomes, the decisions, and the circumstances of the other friend to an unhealthy degree.

Of course, we are all concerned about our friends and people we love, but if you feel like your friend’s problems are happening to you, check your urgency. How urgent does your friend’s situation feel to you? Are you taking their problem on like it is your own? Do you feel compelled to fix it?

This is your friend’s side of the street, not yours. (For more on gently healing codependent relationships, read this blog.)

Healthy, good, and boundaried friendships are worth the investment of time, energy, and learning how to create healthy boundaries and dialogue.

Remember to download the guide for the friendship inventory and 48-hour awareness-raising exercise to gain more clarity about what changes you may need to make in your friendships.

Let me know your thoughts over on Instagram (@terricole) or in the comments. How challenging is it for you to set boundaries with your friends? Do you have healthy, boundaried friendships? Share your tips with us!

I hope you have the most amazing week and as always, take care of you.