Spark in Your Relationship Relationship

Do you remember how much desire and passion you felt when you first met your partner? Or how incredibly hot the beginning of your relationship was? 

Maybe it was the way you couldn’t stop thinking about them. How you flirted via text, emails, or calls in between seeing each other. When your dates were full of spontaneity, fun, and adventure.

Have you lost a little bit of that spark? 

If you miss the passion you had at the beginning of your relationship and want to reignite it, then today’s episode is for you. I am giving you my top three tips to rekindle the spark so you can have a passionate, long-lasting, inspired love relationship. 

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

Why Do We Lose the Spark in Our Relationships?

Before we get to the three tips, let’s talk about why the passion in our relationship might fade.

Well…life happens. A pandemic happens. Being locked down for months on end together happens. 

But even without these major peak experiences, life is long. And in long-term relationships, we go through different phases. 

In the beginning, when it was just the two of you, you probably had more time and energy. You were still in a pink cloud of love and making plans – just the two of you.

If you decide you want kids, you go into the next phase of your relationship. Running a household, raising a family, and having big careers can all take a toll on the relationship. 

In the middle of this phase, we often take our person for granted. It is easy to expect they will always be there, and it’s almost like we no longer feel the need to be on our best behavior around them.

I am not saying we need to be uncomfortable or treat our person like they are a stranger, but consideration can sometimes fall by the wayside in long-term relationships. 

How can you avoid falling into this rut? Let’s move into three tips to help you reignite the spark in your relationship. 

Tip #1: Carve Out Time to Be Intimate

When I say “be intimate,” yes, be sexual and sensual. And there are many ways to be loving and intimate that don’t involve sexual activity. 

You can spend quality time together. You can have an actual conversation without screens in your faces. You can go out of your way to do something you know your partner has wanted to explore. 

When I used to counsel couples back in the day, the women in my practice often said they wanted more support with the kids and the house, and more consideration from their partner. They felt like there was an imbalance in who was doing what. 

And a lot of times, the men wanted more sex.

(This is not to generalize, this is just what my experience was in my practice.)

Ultimately, I was able to help the men in my practice realize we can’t separate how we treat each other day-to-day from how sexually inspired someone feels. 

The women in my practice felt much more sexually attracted to their partner and had more desire to be intimate when their partner was kind and made their life easier.

Why? Because resentment is an intimacy killer. 

It is difficult to be sexual when you feel resentful. At least I knew this was true for the straight women in my practice. But regardless of gender orientation or identification, I don’t think anyone feels up to making out with someone when they feel resentful or unimportant. 

The key is to make time for intimacy and connection, so think of different ways to nurture the relationship in sexual and non-sexual ways. 

If you have trouble coming up with ideas, I give you more tips on how to be up the intimacy inside this week’s guide, which you can download here

Tip #2: Think About Romance

Sometimes we continue having sex with the same frequency, but it becomes more about checking a box and being dutiful than about connection. 

Checking a box is the opposite of inspired romance. 

I invite you to think about romantic gestures and sweet things you or your partner can do to uplevel the passion and romance in the relationship. 

It might be sending a sexy text or leaving a note. It might be spontaneously grabbing your partner and making out with them in the kitchen if no one else is around. Or it might be starting a nightly gratitude ritual where you share what you are grateful for and your favorite moment from the day.

In the guide, I have more ideas for you about how to create more romance in your relationship, but here’s a quick one. 

Years ago, I read this great tip: if you look at your person and think, Wow, they look so hot/beautiful/gorgeous/handsome right now… say it, don’t just think it. 

Tip #3: Communicate Openly and Honestly

When it comes to sex, intimacy, romance, and connection, one of the most important pieces is communication. 

A lot of times we get into sexual ruts. Both of you may achieve orgasm, but it may feel like a dance of “I do this, you do that, everyone gets off, and then we’re kind of done.”

This dance is not filled with spark, and there is definitely a way to do it with more passion. 

How? Well, do you tell your partner what is going on for you? What do you like and what you’d want more of or less of? What do you want to try? This is why open and honest communication is a crucial part of a passionate relationship. 

A Personal Example

When I first went through menopause (I went through it early and had perimenopause), there was a period of time when sex was painful, and it felt like it happened overnight. 

I didn’t say anything to my husband, Vic, because I thought…maybe it’s me. 

At this point, I was not aware that menopause was the issue. I hadn’t yet seen any doctors about perimenopause or menopause. 

When I thought about menopause, I thought, “Oh, people get hot flashes, right?” And some people complain about gaining weight. 

Yes, the weight gain part I got, but I also experienced the craziest insomnia I’ve had in my life. 

I had never heard menopause can make sex painful or interrupt sleep.

(I swear, I feel like I need to write a book on menopause called Menomarathon because it feels like there is no pause and it goes on for a friggin’ decade. Anyone else?)

As you can imagine, both of those things impacted my desire to be sexual, and yet, I waited a long time to tell Vic. I wish I hadn’t. When I did tell him, he said, “Terri, obviously I noticed something had shifted. I just didn’t know why.”

We were still having sex, but I wasn’t interacting with him the same way I had before. 

By not saying anything and trying to “spare his feelings,” I probably made it worse and made him more paranoid, which is why I suggest open and honest communication.

What if I Don’t Know Enough About My Desires to Communicate Them?

Maybe you aren’t sure how to communicate your desires to your partner. Often, we first need to get honest with ourselves about our own sexuality. 

For example, if you have sexual hangups, feel shut down sexually, or have unresolved trauma in your childhood or background, this can impact how sexually present and passionate you are. 

It is never too late for you to explore this with your person, but it may require some solo research first.

In the guide, you will find reflection questions to get a clearer snapshot of how you relate to your own sexuality, as this is an important part of the process. 

Here’s the thing with sexuality: we do not choose the things our minds find erotic. They are simply there. 

There are no holds barred when it comes to sexual fantasies. You might think, Wow if I did that in real life, I would be a criminal. The people who do those things in real life are criminals, but whatever you think about that excites you is fair game. 

It took me years in therapy to embrace my own sexuality, to have fun with it, to want to explore it, and allow myself to flourish in that way. 

I kept thinking, I have this great partner. I am in this great marriage. I can talk to him about anything. He is very open. Why am I not sharing the way I feel, or what I like or want in a direct way?

Of course, we can guide someone by moving their hand or their body in a particular way, but I am talking about getting okay with your own sexuality. 

That can also start with masturbating. 

If you are someone who feels shut down sexually, self-sexuality can be a beautiful way to explore how you want to be touched. The more you know, the easier it will be for you to share this with your partner. 

Recap: Three Tips to Reignite the Spark in Your Relationship

Tip #1: Make time and prioritize intimacy and connection, both sexual connection and heart-to-heart connection.

Tip #2: Find ways to reignite the romance itself in the relationship. Think of small things you can do to surprise or delight your partner. Make them feel incredibly desired and loved. 

Tip #3: Communicate openly and honestly with your partner. Not just about your sexual fantasies, but also about what you are going through and how you feel about your insecurities. This may involve readjusting your relationship with yourself to figure out how you relate to your own sexuality because how you relate to your sexuality is the beginning, middle, and end of how you relate to your partner. 

I would love to know what you think of these tips. Which ones do you already do? Which are you willing to try? Do you have any of your own to add? Drop me a comment here or on Instagram @terricole with your thoughts.

I hope you have an amazing week full of passion and as always, take care of you. 

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  1. Thanks Terri
    The menopause time is pretty challenging, that's for sure. The pain during sex, the lack of sleep and the hot flushes. I can't have any hormonal treatment because I had a pre cancer removed last year, so trying to find products that help all of these issues is very difficult. And, people don't really talk about menopause so much! Like you said, it all comes as a bit of a shock!
    If you've found any products, please do share them. I know I'd be interested.

  2. Thank you for this!! I’ve been married 11 years and we have become more like ‘roommates’ instead of husband and wife. It also doesn’t help that I have chronic pain that gets in the way. He says he’s afraid to initiate sex because he’s tired of being turned down when I don’t feel good. It’s really hurt our marriage and I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t want him to feel this way because now he’s shut himself off romantically except for a goodnight or goodbye kiss! It’s so frustrating!!! I’ve tried talking to him and we’ve been to counseling but things don’t change for the long term!! I’m wondering if my marriage is will make it?!?!

    1. Leslie, I am witnessing you with compassion. ❤️ I think it depends on how important sexual intimacy is to you. From what you’re saying, it sounds like it bothers you that he won’t initiate sex even though he’s not sure whether he’ll be rejected or accepted based on your chronic pain situation. So my question is: are you initiating sex and he’s turning you down?

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