How would you describe your relationship style? Do you treat your partner as a person to relate to or a project to be managed? The way you relate in a romantic relationship has everything to do with what you experienced growing up. This is what I call your, Downloaded Love Blueprint. In my parents marriage my mother was constantly trying to manage my father. She withheld information that would upset him and we were expected to organize around him and what he wanted. I learned that I did not want that type of relationship.
When I met my husband Vic, I knew that our relationship was different from those in my past. I could be myself. I wasn’t afraid of what he thought or how he would react to things. His words and actions were consistent. Instead of managing him, I felt fully supported by him and vice versa.
Being in a relationship where you are ‘managing’ your partner is really doing a disservice to both of you. This behavior falls into the category or having, The Disease to Please. And the real question is how can anyone authentically love you if you don’t allow them to authentically know you? Trying to manage another person denies you of real support and denies the other person the opportunity to step into their potential as a partner, not a project.
A supportive relationship starts with two people who take care of themselves, first. Being with someone who enhances your life rather than drains it, is an indication that you are getting and giving healthy support. If you find yourself automatically giving more than you expect, explore the why. In order to get more support, you have to know where and when you need it. Then you have to be willing to ask for it and allow it.
For many people, (listen up, moms) you may deny support by constantly handling everything alone. Sometimes this is because you need it done your way (which according to Janny Cole, if you need it done your way you will be doing it all yourself!) Once your partner sees you as someone who can do it all, they won’t offer their support because they won’t think you need, or want it. People, especially men, like to feel needed. So when it comes to getting more support ask for it, accept it and be grateful.
Remember that you are responsible for the 50% that you bring to any relationship. Keep this in mind if you are seeking a relationship or already in one. Give your partner (or potential partner) the chance to show up for you. Opening yourself up to another makes you vulnerable but it’s worth the risk because healthy love is so much sweeter than playing out some age old dysfunction until the end of time. You deserve luscious, fun, functional love!
Now, in the comments below I’d love to hear from you. Share your thoughts on the importance of support and authenticity in relationships. What do you think about asking for support? Do you do it? Will you now? I want to hear from you too!
Remember it’s important to care of each other and to as always, take care of you.
Love Love Love
*image courtesy of Nic Price