narcissistic mothers

Daughters & Narcissistic Mothers on Hello Freedom with Terri ColeA month and a half ago, I made a video about narcissism and I received so many emails from daughters of narcissistic mothers asking me to talk more about how you heal from the pain that comes from this.

Having a narcissistic mother is an incredibly difficult way to have a childhood. And it’s hard, but it is possible for you to survive and thrive.

Today I’m talking about the different kinds of narcissism, the signs that you have a narcissistic parent (though if you do, I bet you already know it), and then I’m giving you tools to help you make boundaries and create happy, healthy, fulfilling relationships.

You can Subscribe to the podcast on iTunes, SoundCloud, Stitcher or TuneIn

“If you have a narcissistic mother, you have endured a lifetime of abuse and trauma.” – Terri Cole

Show Notes:

  • What are the two types of narcissistic mothers
  • Why having a narcissistic parent is so painful
  • How narcissistic mothers emotionally blackmail you
  • Why you shouldn’t be in competition with your mother
  • Why your accomplishments SHOULD NOT be owned by her
  • How to know if your mother is lying and manipulating you
  • Why narcissistic mothers show no empathy
  • Why they don’t want you to have friends

“Why would someone want to deny your reality? Because this is a way they gain control over you.” – Terri Cole

  • Why narcissists are super sensitive to criticism
  • The importance of understanding the problem
  • The dangers of emotional abuse
  • How to start healing from the relationship
  • The importance of boundaries
  • Why you should build trust slowly
  • Why you have to be careful not to turn your anger inward

“You have to be able to grieve the loss of the childhood that you wanted.” – Terri Cole

Journal Exercise – Take back your power and honor your experience:

  • Step One: Identify how you wanted your relationship with your mother to be.
  • Step Two: Journal about the way it actually was and all of the ways you have been hurt or disappointed by it and how you feel about it not turning out the way you wanted.
  • Step Three: Journal about the ways that you re-parent yourself and take care of yourself and if you have a daughter write about how you are doing it differently from your mother.
  • Step Four: Ask a loving friend to witness what you’ve written and then ritualistically burn up the papers outside, someplace safe. As the paper is turning into smoke and ash feel yourself being liberated and find gratitude for being able to make your own choices and happiness now. YOU my dear, are a fierce survivor.

Links Mentioned:

“A major part of you thriving is realizing that your narcissistic mother will most likely never change.” – Terri Cole

 

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  1. Wowza! Thanks for this, Terri. This is such a great description of my mother and what it has been like in my family for decades. I am only now getting a full picture of my mother’s narcissism as my siblings and I compare notes. Her triangulation has kept us apart for so long and no one got a full picture because of her pitting us against each other. So timely as I leave to visit her tomorrow AM.

    1. Gina,
      Thanks for sharing here with us. It’s amazing how knowledge fuels your ability to protect yourself. So nice to hear you and your siblings are comparing notes and getting the full picture!

  2. Hi Terri,

    I just found your podcast searching for support on this exact topic. I cried the whole time, every word is scary spot on. I am in therapy trying to work through my boundaries with my mom. This week she took to the next level, she was able to turn my sister on me to take away my ability to see my nephews until I “fix things” with her. I feel crazy half the time, like I am being over dramatic. Through therapy and your words I’m coming to know that we can’t do that. Trying to be strong is causing me to lose everything I care about. Thank you for this episode, I have listened to about 100 times for reassurance that things can get better, even if its different.

  3. Dear madam Cole,

    With this message, I wanted to ask of there is a correct link for the survival guide, since it does not seem to work.

    KR,

    Katrijn

      1. I tried using the link to get the reading list that you suggested for Michelle Piper, but the link doesn’t work. It says she’s retired. I really could use a reading list of where to start. I think my mom is the engulfing narcissist and I would like some recommended resources to start with.

  4. Thank you so much. I’ve been educating myself about my narcissistic mother for the last 4 years and I’ve listened to what seems like millions of podcasts and videos – but your words have really made an impact. You are to the point without missing any vital information. Sometimes it seems like I will never get out of this place where I feel like a victim, like I’ll never be able to heal – I come out through the other side so many times to encounter more and more layers of pain (and lessons)…. The thought that I might be capable of doing more than just survive propels me forward in spite of how difficult this has been and is.

    My biggest problem I think is that in spite of the horrific abuse I suffered, I can understand why she did what she did. I’m not saying that she didn’t have a choice or that I don’t think she’s responsible, but because I can see how she could become what she became, it prevents my feeling anger – and yes, I know I turn that ‘anger’ towards myself instinctively – but I don’t know how to let it out when I can’t feel it?! Maybe this will come further down the road in my healing and I shouldn’t worry about it. What you said about treating yourself as you would a friend really helped a lot.

    Anyway – I am very happy to have come across this podcast. I appreciate you putting it out there.

    A.

    1. I am so glad you found me, Alana. I am witnessing your strength and your struggle with compassion. The child within you needs what SHE experienced to be honored at some point. Stay on your healing path and you will get there. Be kind to you, my dear and get the help that will accelerate your healing. I am really glad you are here with us. xo

  5. This podcast hit home on so many levels. I cried from beginning to end because I am just now, as a 47 year old women, dealing with the impact of my upbringing. I went no contact with narc mom, enabling/narc Dad and golden child brother 6 years ago and believed that by doing that I would magically heal the trauma of my past. How wrong I was. I have been plowing through my life and accepting very little from people including no boundaries just so I could get anything that resembled love and care. I am in the angry/painful muck right now and podcasts like this are so helpful. Thank you so very much for validating us and help bringing to light this painful existence. Big hugs of love to you.

  6. Thank you so much Terri. This actually made me cry. No one understands what it’s like to deal with these things and I am so very grateful you have touched on this subject. This caused a major shift in my healing journey and I am finally dealing with these issues. This touched my heart, thank you so much!

    1. Sam,
      I am so happy to hear that it resonated with you and added some value to your healing journey. Know that you are NEVER alone and that there are many people who have had your same experience. It can feel so isolating and yet there is an entire tribe filled with daughters just like you who are on their own healing paths from narc mothers. There is so much hope, mama xo

  7. Thank you Terri. I loved this episode. I have been No Contact with my NM for 4 years now and consequently i haven’t seen my EF or one of my siblings (who is Mums favourite). I think the hardest thing is that people don’t talk about having a mean Mum and like you said even close friends tell you ‘it’s not that bad’ or ‘she’s your Mum!’ It’s invalidating and for ages made me so angry. I also felt bad and ashamed too. It’s quite complex and is taken ages to unravel because you can’t distinguish between what was real and what wasn’t. Thank you again for sharing this stuff. I could listen to your voice all day. It’s so soothing and reassuring.

    1. Lisa,
      I am so sorry to hear of your painful experience but impressed ith your strength and courage!
      Keep up th great work xox

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