Do you find it hard to open up to people, especially when you’re struggling?

Is it hard for you to ask for or allow help?

Have you ever had a crisis where you kept what was happening to yourself because you didn’t want to worry anyone?

If you’re nodding yes, today’s video is for you because I’m sharing the high-functioning codependent (HFC) behaviors I noticed in myself as I navigated a recent health scare.

I’m also talking about the hidden cost of not asking for help.

By sharing my story, I hope to inspire you to care for your health and let other people show up for you.

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

My Breast Cancer Scare

There is a lot of breast cancer in my family, from my mother to my two sisters to my mother’s sister and more.

Even before my mother and sister were diagnosed, I had a 27% increased risk.

As a result, I’ve gotten mammograms since I was in my early 30s.

There have been times when I had to get an ultrasound because the mammogram wasn’t clear (I have dense breasts), but back in July, my mammogram result was abnormal for the first time. Reading that word, I immediately had a sick, scared feeling in my gut and got into action.

I called the office- they wanted to set up a needle biopsy (where they take a sample and analyze it to see if it’s cancer), but the next appointment was weeks away.

I didn’t want to wait and managed to find an appointment elsewhere a few days later.

And then I had to wait a week for the results due to the 4th of July holiday in America.

In the meantime, I tried to reassure myself: You don’t know. Until there’s something to worry about, there’s no reason to worry.

I told my husband, Vic, about the results, but in an I’m-not-at-all-worried way. I was working to control my emotions because I didn’t want him to worry. (Classic over-functioning HFC move, right there cuz nothing can interrupt HFC recovery like a potential crisis!)

Through research, I also found that 80% of women who have needle biopsies have a benign result.¹

I held onto those odds as I told a few of my oldest friends, my mother, and one of my sisters.

However, I found myself reluctant to tell all of my closest friends because if people worry about me, I feel like I have to worry about them. (Anyone else?)

These are just a few of the HFC behaviors I noticed- stay tuned for the others.

Reading Into Dreams

The night I received the abnormal result, I had a dream.

I don’t normally remember my dreams, but this one was vivid.

I was in the water with sharks surrounding me. It doesn’t take a professional to realize the sharks represented feeling threatened by the abnormal result.

In the middle of trying to remember how to protect myself from sharks, a boat appeared.

There was a metal bar across the bottom of the boat, which I grabbed onto, and I was effortlessly pulled away from danger. I was flooded with a sense of relief.

Upon waking up from the dream, I thought about what it meant and realized I was the boat. I would handle whatever happened and create emotional safety for myself.

The boat represented my internal strength, and I felt soothed knowing that wherever the chips fell, I’d be okay.

Even in the face of a potential cancer diagnosis, I felt strong, capable, and then proud of all the psychological work I’d done in my life to get to this point.

Having survived a cancer diagnosis twice before also helped- I knew it was possible to have cancer, survive, and thrive.

I also dedicated myself to meditating and positive self-talk. You’re okay. Whatever it is, you’ll be okay was my mantra, along with thoughts like, If it is cancer, you’ll have plenty of time to freak out, Ter. Don’t waste your bandwidth worrying now when it may not be necessary.

While I still had moments of fear, they were brief.

What I’m Taking Away From This Experience

After an excruciating week of checking my medical portal every day with no results, I called the breast center.

“I was just about to call you,” the receptionist told me. “You’re fine. The results are negative. Everything will be in your portal soon.”

The same feeling of relief from the dream flooded my system.

I thanked her, hung up, and laid down to process and think about what I wanted to take away from the experience.

Joy in every step. Gratitude for everything right. Appreciation for the ability to go through hard things and get through to the other side. Grateful I’m alive and healthy.

It also gave me a reframe for all the book launch preparation I’ve been doing for Too Much: A Guide to Breaking the Cycle of High-Functioning Codependency. While I’m excited for you all to have it in October, the prep has been stressful.

This health scare made me realize no one was making me do any of this- I get to do it.

How amazing is it that I get to make all these plans with my team? Plans like in-person book events and interviewing 30 amazing relationship experts for my Epic Relationship Summit, which you can sign up for here! I am truly pumped and can’t wait to share it with you.

My Takeaway For You

I want to emphasize the importance of caring for yourself and your health.

If you’ve been putting off health issues, if you’re overdue on a mammogram, or if you’re over 50 and haven’t had a colonoscopy, please take this as a sign. Book the appointments you need.

And if you don’t have insurance, the CDC offers free or low-cost mammograms through the National Breast and Cervical Cancer Early Detection program. Additional resources are in the guide.

Not Letting People In Because We Don’t Want Them to Worry

Throughout this experience, I had so much hyper-vigilance about being self-sufficient.

Hyper-independence often goes hand-in-hand with being an HFC.

As I stated earlier, even when you’re in recovery and have healthy boundaries and relationships, a crisis can cause you to slip into old behaviors.

My old behavior was being hyper-independent and not wanting to worry anyone else.

But when we keep things to ourselves because we don’t want people to worry, we’re on their side of the street- not ours.

What we’re going through is our side of the street. Their side of the street is how they react to the information we give them because we can’t control how they’ll react, no matter how gently we deliver something.

Releasing the worry and allowing others to show up for us in moments of need deepens the intimacy in our relationships.

We have to be willing to admit we need help first, though. There are exercises around recognizing where you block help in the guide.

How to Ask For Support

If you can relate to what I’ve said so far, asking for help or support might feel unnatural. Here are a few tips.

Think about the people whose support you want, and then tell the truth.

“Hey, I’m waiting for a few test results and I’m a bit nervous. I could use some support right now.”

Of course, be discerning about who you confide in. Don’t involve people who have a history of invalidating you or people who make everything about them. You need folks who will support you and hold space for you, not cause you more stress.

If you feel like you’ll burden others by sharing your struggles, I gently invite you to question whether this belief is a mask and an excuse for not wanting to be vulnerable.

When someone in my VIP circle goes through something and they tell me, I don’t feel burdened by them, I feel close to them. I feel connected to them.

Allowing the people in our lives to show up for us is what having healthy and epic relationships is all about.

And the only way to be in epic relationships with others is to have an epic relationship with yourself.

But when you’re hyper-independent and taking care of everyone else, your relationship with yourself suffers.

Pause and give yourself permission to be supported by the folks who love you.

I have some ideas for how to do this in the guide, which you can download here.

My Epic Relationships Summit will have even more insights on how to attract, create, and maintain healthy relationships plus allll the tea on codependent relationship dynamics, so if you want to hear more about it, sign up here! It’s happening October 8-10. 🙌

I hope you got something valuable from my story. I would love to hear your takeaways and thoughts in the comments or Instagram (@terricole), and as always, take care of you.

¹https://www.nationalbreastcancer.org/breast-cancer-biopsy/