Wait till your father gets home. Have you ever been on the receiving end of that? Let’s call it what it is: a threat. It could also be what was said if you wanted your mother to buy you a new bike. Wait till your father gets home. Because for many of us, fathers were gone all day working, but they had all the power in the home because they made the money.

In this blog, we’re looking at father wounds, authority, and money, because they’re all twisted up together for many of us.

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

Your First Experience of Authority

Your first experience of male authority was likely your father. And if he was also the person associated with money, your relationship with him may have influenced much more than your self-esteem and romantic relationships.

How you negotiate. How you charge in your business. How you advocate for yourself. How comfortable you are with success. How you respond when someone with a title disagrees with you. Whether you believe you belong in a room. How often you feel imposter syndrome even though you have the skills. Whether you trust yourself with money. And even how much money you believe you’re allowed to have.

What You Learned

Depending on your family system, your father may have represented the ultimate authority. What Dad said went.

I remember road trips with my family. Four girls within six years of each other in the backseat. If you had your window open because you were carsick and my father wanted you to roll it up, he would be driving, point at you, and make the motion of rolling up the window. He couldn’t say, could you please roll up the window? He just pointed. And we knew what to do.

If you were kicking the front seat, as little kids do, he would point at you and put his hand across his neck to tell me to stop. I was three.

When you’re a little girl growing up in that system, what do you learn? You might learn that male authority is more legitimate than female authority. My father could supersede my mother at any point. You might learn that the person with the money gets the final say. I saw that with my own little eyes long before my mother encouraged me to make my own money. You might learn that safety means keeping the powerful person happy. You might learn that challenging authority has consequences.

I understood the assignment long before anybody handed me the assignment.

Don’t be vulnerable, especially financially. Because what happens when you are? Someone can provide this lovely life for you, and then they have the power to take it away.

And then you grow up. And even if your father is no longer your authority figure, your nervous system doesn’t necessarily know that.

When You Can’t See It

I had a fear of authority from the time I was a kid because I feared my father.

In grad school, I had a boss who’d written a famous book about cocaine addiction. I couldn’t stand him. I experienced him as cold, mean, and judgmental. If he was coming down the hallway, I would go into the bathroom even if I didn’t need to use it. In meetings, I would sit in the back making myself as invisible as possible.

I was describing him to my therapist. I said, ” You know the type. 6’2″, really good looking, deep voice, Wall Street Journal reading, Brooks Brothers suit wearing, martini swiggin, golfing on the weekend type of guy.”

She looked at me like, Hello? Who does Dr. Washton remind you of?

I was in grad school to become a therapist. I’d had tons of therapy. And I couldn’t see what was happening within me. When you’re in a transference, it’s so real.

I wasn’t responding to the person standing in front of me. I was responding to an authority figure from my past. Bev said,  “You’re becoming your ten-year-old self at work.”

Once I saw it, I could start asking: What am I actually afraid is going to happen here? And reassure myself, you’re OK. This guy is not your father, and you are not a child.

The Cost

If you’re unconsciously avoiding authority, maybe you’re not asking for the promotion. You don’t challenge your boss even when they’re wrong. You don’t pitch your ideas. You don’t negotiate the contract. You stay quiet when someone takes credit for your work. You don’t walk into the room as if you belong there.

We make excuses. I’m not good at advocating for myself. I don’t like confrontation. But sometimes the person standing in front of us isn’t the person we’re actually responding to.

Your Money Story

What do you say about yourself and money? I’m bad with money. My husband handles the money. I don’t understand investing. Numbers aren’t my thing.

What did money mean in your childhood home? Who controlled it? Was it used as a reward or withheld as punishment? Did your father make you feel guilty for needing things?

We asked 650 women in my community who self-identified as having a father wound. One said, “I’m 60 years old, and I’m finally charging what I’m worth, but I’m years behind.” Women in their 60s and 70s talked about realizing they weren’t financially prepared for retirement after decades of undercharging, deferring decisions to someone else, or putting everyone’s needs above their own.

What struck me was how few ever connected their relationship with money to their relationship with their father until I asked.

A father wound is a worthiness wound. If we don’t feel worthy, it’s hard to charge what we’re worth. Every time you think about raising your rate and your stomach drops, or think, “Who do I think I am? What if nobody hires me?” that’s worth looking at.

Dr. Linda Nielsen, a professor at Wake Forest University, spent decades studying father-daughter relationships. Her work highlights the importance of a strong, supportive father-daughter relationship for a daughter’s relationships, emotional well-being, career, and financial independence. When a daughter had that, she struggled less with all of it.

I’ve got journal prompts to explore your relationship to authority and money at terricole.com/guide. Go to fatherwoundbook.com to preorder and sign up for the free virtual retreat on October 24th.

As always, take care of you.