If setting boundaries makes you feel guilty, selfish, or terrified of disappointing someone, an unhealed father wound might be part of the reason.

When the person who was supposed to protect you did not, you can grow up without the sense that you are even allowed to say no.

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

What Is a Father Wound?

A father wound is a psychological and emotional injury that stems from growing up with a father or father figure who was absent, abusive, inconsistent, authoritarian, not emotionally present or attuned, or addicted.

At its core, a father wound is a worthiness wound. Somehow we learned in childhood that we weren’t good enough as we were. That we needed to be different, better, more accomplished, or more something to be worthy of love and consideration from our father. When those seeds are planted at such a young age, they can impact how we move through relationships for years to come.

If you have a father wound, you may not have had emotional safety from him in a real way growing up. How much safety you were allotted is also affected by your relationship with the maternal figure in your life. In Father Wound, I cover the concept and impact of parental co-wounding. Your mother may have exacerbated the wound, buffered some of it, or done a little of both.

Ways We Learn to Keep Ourselves Safe

Without emotional safety, we find other ways to protect ourselves.

We may become high-functioning codependents. Very capable people in relationships, but doing all the things for all the people.

We may become hyper-vigilant. Very on guard, good at reading a room before we even walk into it. It feels like my antenna goes all the way to Mars! It’s still challenging for me to block out other people’s feelings, even with all the energy work I do daily.

We may become hyper-independent, telling ourselves it’s easier to do it alone. If I don’t have to depend on you, I don’t have to worry about whether you’re safe. This can create an existential loneliness when you feel you can’t count on others.

I learned from having a father who was uninterested in me that what I think, how I feel, and what I want isn’t necessarily that important. Because what my father thought, felt, and wanted was paramount in my family system.

Why Calm Can Feel Unfamiliar

When you’re used to monitoring, anticipating, and managing other people’s feelings, calm in others can feel unfamiliar. When your system is more attuned to hypervigilance than to safety, you may be drawn to relationships that feel familiar but are not necessarily good.

I want you to understand that whatever you’ve experienced makes sense. Your emotions work. We repeat what we do not repair, and this is part of what happens when we are father-wounded. We are often seeking a do-over, unconsciously trying to get a different ending to an old story. That can make familiar dynamics feel more compelling than calm, secure ones.

Why Vulnerability Can Feel Risky

If you came from a situation where your feelings didn’t matter, or you had a father who was actively harming you, vulnerability may not feel safe.

I never looked at men as people to be vulnerable to until I did my father wound work. I learned through my family system that men were people not to be trusted, that they couldn’t emotionally handle anything, and that you should manage them. Manipulating men, sure. Making myself vulnerable to men, not a chance.

If people weren’t there for you when you needed them, you may not expect them to be. It can be exhausting feeling like you’ve got to be a lone wolf.

What Emotional Safety Actually Looks Like

Emotional safety is the felt sense that you can be yourself and not only be accepted but celebrated. You can say what you feel. You can tell the truth. You can make mistakes. And you will still belong.

A safe relationship is a soft place to land in a hard world. You can have needs without someone getting pissed off. You can say no without being rejected or punished. You can be heard by someone who’s actually interested in you.

Safe people do what they say they’ll do. What you care about is how someone treats you, not how they say they’re going to treat you. Those are two different things.

Creating Safety After a Father Wound

Part of my healing journey was realizing that not all men were like my father. They were not people I had to manage. I wanted to be partnered with someone I felt equal to, not someone I was managing.

Believing that healthy, safe men exist was central to my healing. I was trying to heal my wound through my relationships, but I needed the intervention of therapy to do that. Therapy inspired me to begin doing that work, and I hope this book can be a guide as you begin doing yours.

As you heal your father wound, you have more choices about how you want to show up in your relationships instead of automatically coming from an old default position.

Journal Prompts

Here are two to get you started. You can grab the full set at terricole.com/guide.

What did your father teach you about whether it was safe to have feelings, needs, problems, or to be vulnerable? Mine taught me not to talk to him about it. There was no interest. So I didn’t.

What parts of what you learned are you still carrying into your relationships now?

Go get the book at fatherwoundbook.com and sign up for the retreat. I can’t wait to spend a few hours with you on October 24th.

Terri Cole Answers Your FAQs From The Week’s Blog

Why does calm feel uncomfortable to me in relationships?
When you grew up monitoring, anticipating, and managing other people’s feelings, calmness can feel unfamiliar. Your system may be more familiar with hypervigilance than with safety. You might even be drawn to relationships that feel familiar but aren’t necessarily good for you. This makes sense. We repeat what we do not repair.

What is a father wound?
A father wound is a psychological and emotional injury that stems from growing up with a father or father figure who was absent, abusive, inconsistent, not emotionally present or attuned, or addicted. At its core, it’s a worthiness wound. We learned in childhood that we weren’t good enough as we were.

Why is vulnerability so hard for me?
If you came from a situation where your feelings didn’t matter, or you had a father who was actively harming you, vulnerability may not feel safe. You may have learned that people weren’t there for you when you needed them, so you don’t expect them to be now. That can leave you feeling like a lone wolf.

Can I create emotional safety even if I never had it growing up?
Yes. Part of healing is realizing that not all people are like your father. Believing it’s possible that healthy and safe relationships exist is central to healing. You may have been trying to heal your wound through your relationships, but you need to heal the wound first.