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“Part of being more discerning might be changing your mind about how much access someone has to you– And there’s nothing wrong with that.” – Terri Cole
Intro
Are there people in your life who don’t respect your boundaries?
People you can’t talk true around, who use your words against you later?
People who don’t support what is best for you?
People who take and take, leaving you drained?
If you are nodding your head, you might need more discernment when it comes to who has access to you, and how much.
In this episode, I am covering what discernment is, why being discerning with the people in our life is important, how to practice discernment, and how discernment can improve the quality of your life and your relationships.
Highlights:
- 3:15 What is discernment?
- 6:45 Discernment can be a way of stopping repeating relationship patterns
- 8:20 Reviewing the types of boundaries
- 16:20 You have the right to course-correct and reduce how much access somebody has to you
- 17:10 Be selective about who has access to you and how much
- 17:30 Don’t automatically say yes to requests
- 19:10 You don’t need to provide everyone with context
- 20:00 Don’t accept feedback from people you don’t trust
- 20:45 Increase your mindfulness
Links Mentioned:
Visit boundarybossworkbook.com to order my brand new Boundary Boss Workbook!
Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.
Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style
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Hi Terri, 5 stars for you as per usual. You are masterful and rare; thank you for all the ways you help me and the world.
After listening to this particular session, I am feeling weepy all over again. In as few words as I can write to you…my best friend of 33 years ended our friendship a year ago. Only when I was in my active addiction did I lose her for six of those years. Now, 17 years sober at age 52, a full-time single with a daughter who has ADHD, my friendship with her was at its highest peak spiritually. She has always been Lucy to my Ethel, Oprah to my Gail kind of bond. When I decided to continue to stay with my boyfriend whom I loved but knew had irreparable issues and had not met her, not even one time, she ended our friendship. Even though she knew that he was sick socially, it didn’t matter. He was so good to my daughter and I but my friend made it seem like I had two separate families?! She ended everything with me via text. And talked on and on about my past relationships…and how this decision to go back to him sealed the deal for her. I felt so shamed and judged. While I was listening to you, I realized it could due to her losing her mother at 47 from a drug overdose and having had watched her date random weird people in her past. Maybe my dating life then/now triggers her. It’s still a ? So much that she had the heart to do this to us; we had a friendship full of pure magic. Our kids were growing up together. Could she, like other people in my life who love me, just not accept/support me no matter what? Basically, I see both sides after listening to your podcast tonight. I am trying really hard to forgive her and be in acceptance. I do pray for her everyday. I still cannot understand fully why it was more important than our whole friendship. As you said and my mother used to say, we come into the world alone and we leave this world alone. But my love for my best friend was unconditional and it turns out her love for me wasn’t. How do I forgive her? How do I move on without my second skin, my greatest confidant? I want to accept it and forgive her and move on. Any thoughts Terri?
Hi Shabnam, it sounds like she was reacting from a past unresolved trauma in some way. Have you tried to have a conversation with her about it? Sometimes the people we love have limitations. If you can’t find a way to mend it- write a letter to her (maybe send it, maybe don’t) just spilling out all of your feelings. Just writing it out may help your moving on process. ❤️
I’ve been listening to Terri for the last 2 years at least. She tells me exactly what I need to hear but never have. Tough love that actually helps to create the life I can sustainably live. After childhood abuse and young adult traumas my autopilot is people pleasing to get the love I’m constantly scratching for. Discernment is a new tool for me and I appreciate the examples she gives bc not only do they help me apply this to my life- they are often the exact idiotic situations I’m in! Thank you for being the mother, sister, friend, therapist I never had. I’m stronger because of you.
Thank you so much, Nikki ❤️❤️❤️ I love knowing my content is helping, and I am cheering you on!