Ask Terri

Dear Terri,

My daughter in law, Jen is wrecking my family. She does not want to talk to me on the phone and insists that all plans be made through my son. She gets upset if we stop by without calling. She does not eat my food because she is vegan and ruins all of the holidays with her food restrictions. I love my son but feel that she is getting in between us. Please help!

Mad in Madison

ANSWER

Dear Mad,

You should be commended for raising a son who has chosen an independent woman. When your son married Jen she became his primary family. You are now his family of origin. Jen seems to have strong boundaries so how would it be for you to respect them? Since you love your son it is in your best interest to figure out why he loves Jen and love her too. Decide that her behavior is not personal and ask her if she would like to bring a vegan dish to holidays. You may be surprised at how she acts differently towards you when she feels less judged and more accepted-you may even like what she cooks! What I sense is that you are uncomfortable with change but the truth is that every moment we are creating a new so why not just decide that Jen is your family too now and call before you stop by without making that an insult to you. In the end none of these things will matter, only how much love and joy you shared with your family. Feelings are not facts so just change your mind about Jen and watch how she changes towards you. Love is all there is so ask yourself before you react if you are being loving or being driven by fear of losing control. Choose love is my advice.

Good Luck,
Love Love Love,
Terri